I found out last week that my ex-fiance is getting married. And I keep waiting for it to upset me. I read chick-lit. I know I'm supposed to be upset by this and want to eat chocolate and drink vodka. Or ice cream. Or something. I've been there for friends with exes getting married or whatnot and brought vodka and chocolate. Or chips and tequila. Or whatever. But it's not really bothering me yet.
I mean, I suppose I'm happy he's happy and blah, blah, blah. But mostly, I'm kind of "eh" about the whole thing. Which seems so odd to me.
Daddy, stop reading. Kisses!
I was rather bummed and a little shaken when I learned that the boy I lost my virginity to had married less than a year after we ended. We'd only been together a couple of months. And while I was in love with him, it was a stupid eighteen year old's kind of love. Well, not too stupid as I was smart enough to turn down his suggestion of not going to Wesleyan and staying in Honolulu and marrying him. Which is pretty much what ended us. But I did love him. And I slept with him. And he claimed he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me. And then it turns out he probably just wanted to marry someone. Anyone. It wouldn't've worked out for us anyway. He was a bit of a Mormon. A lapsed one (hence the dating of and the sleeping with me), but a Mormon all the same. We were not meant to be more than a summer fling. But still. Made me sad. When we ended and when I learned he'd promised forever to someone else.
And when I last talked to The Boy he mentioned that he'd dated a couple girls since we'd talked last. And that made me so sad. These were not girls he was still seeing or had gotten serious with. Just a couple girls he'd dated for a while. He and I were not dating, are not dating and really never have dated in any conventional sense. But he's probably the boy I love most in some ways and the idea of him and other girls depressed me. Not that I'm little Miss Celibate and alone or that I felt he couldn't or shouldn't be dating girls. I just didn't like it.
And so, I figured I'd be upset when my ex got engaged to someone else. And I don't. And it makes no sense to me. I loved this man. And still do in some way. I don't seem capable of completely stopping loving someone. Unfortunately. But anyway... I loved this man and at one point wanted to marry him and spend eternity with him and have a million babies with him. We made our families meet and bond. There was a ring. There was discussion of the million babies (well, arguments really as I wanted one and he wanted three and the million thing was never an option). And then there wasn't anything. Which was sad. But it was also the right decision for us. But, now, this man I wanted to marry and do the million baby thing with is now going to marry someone else and do the million baby thing with her and I want to be sad about it, dammit. I mean, what does it say about me that I'm not?
A friend once said, while I and two others were sitting with her, that she was in the presence of three of the most commitment phobic people she'd ever met. I protested that I had been engaged! That was commitment! I could do it! But then she pointed out that I was no longer engaged. And that I had never even set a date. And she was right. I mean, maybe I was never going to get married to him. Maybe I never will marry anyone. And maybe I'm okay with that idea. But, what does that say about how I felt about this guy? Does the fact that I'm not sad mean that all those feelings I had for almost three years were bullshit? That I really am self-absorbed and self-centered and only in love with myself? That I never loved him like I thought I did? That I never really planned on marrying him? That I am an emotionless hag? That I am strange and weird and inhuman? I don't know. It just seems strange. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. How dumb is that? So dumb. Maybe I will feel sad later. When I'm not on vacation. Maybe not. Maybe it's okay.
I'm totally going to stop thinking about this now. And I'm going to be very happy for him. Because he was once a huge part of my life and is a good guy and deserves to be happy and in love and have a million babies. Or three. And I want that for him. And I will be happy for me because my fat ass does not need vodka and chocolate right now. And because I am happy. And maybe that's all that's meant by me not being upset at the news.
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