I found out last week that my ex-fiance is getting married. And I keep waiting for it to upset me. I read chick-lit. I know I'm supposed to be upset by this and want to eat chocolate and drink vodka. Or ice cream. Or something. I've been there for friends with exes getting married or whatnot and brought vodka and chocolate. Or chips and tequila. Or whatever. But it's not really bothering me yet.
I mean, I suppose I'm happy he's happy and blah, blah, blah. But mostly, I'm kind of "eh" about the whole thing. Which seems so odd to me.
Daddy, stop reading. Kisses!
I was rather bummed and a little shaken when I learned that the boy I lost my virginity to had married less than a year after we ended. We'd only been together a couple of months. And while I was in love with him, it was a stupid eighteen year old's kind of love. Well, not too stupid as I was smart enough to turn down his suggestion of not going to Wesleyan and staying in Honolulu and marrying him. Which is pretty much what ended us. But I did love him. And I slept with him. And he claimed he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me. And then it turns out he probably just wanted to marry someone. Anyone. It wouldn't've worked out for us anyway. He was a bit of a Mormon. A lapsed one (hence the dating of and the sleeping with me), but a Mormon all the same. We were not meant to be more than a summer fling. But still. Made me sad. When we ended and when I learned he'd promised forever to someone else.
And when I last talked to The Boy he mentioned that he'd dated a couple girls since we'd talked last. And that made me so sad. These were not girls he was still seeing or had gotten serious with. Just a couple girls he'd dated for a while. He and I were not dating, are not dating and really never have dated in any conventional sense. But he's probably the boy I love most in some ways and the idea of him and other girls depressed me. Not that I'm little Miss Celibate and alone or that I felt he couldn't or shouldn't be dating girls. I just didn't like it.
And so, I figured I'd be upset when my ex got engaged to someone else. And I don't. And it makes no sense to me. I loved this man. And still do in some way. I don't seem capable of completely stopping loving someone. Unfortunately. But anyway... I loved this man and at one point wanted to marry him and spend eternity with him and have a million babies with him. We made our families meet and bond. There was a ring. There was discussion of the million babies (well, arguments really as I wanted one and he wanted three and the million thing was never an option). And then there wasn't anything. Which was sad. But it was also the right decision for us. But, now, this man I wanted to marry and do the million baby thing with is now going to marry someone else and do the million baby thing with her and I want to be sad about it, dammit. I mean, what does it say about me that I'm not?
A friend once said, while I and two others were sitting with her, that she was in the presence of three of the most commitment phobic people she'd ever met. I protested that I had been engaged! That was commitment! I could do it! But then she pointed out that I was no longer engaged. And that I had never even set a date. And she was right. I mean, maybe I was never going to get married to him. Maybe I never will marry anyone. And maybe I'm okay with that idea. But, what does that say about how I felt about this guy? Does the fact that I'm not sad mean that all those feelings I had for almost three years were bullshit? That I really am self-absorbed and self-centered and only in love with myself? That I never loved him like I thought I did? That I never really planned on marrying him? That I am an emotionless hag? That I am strange and weird and inhuman? I don't know. It just seems strange. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. How dumb is that? So dumb. Maybe I will feel sad later. When I'm not on vacation. Maybe not. Maybe it's okay.
I'm totally going to stop thinking about this now. And I'm going to be very happy for him. Because he was once a huge part of my life and is a good guy and deserves to be happy and in love and have a million babies. Or three. And I want that for him. And I will be happy for me because my fat ass does not need vodka and chocolate right now. And because I am happy. And maybe that's all that's meant by me not being upset at the news.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Happy Birthday, Mommy!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Mommy!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Mommy!
Happy Birthday to you!
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Mellow Holidays at Home
Well, most of the excitement seems to have left with Turnip. At this point. Now it's just been much chillin' and errand running with the family. The washing machine went belly up on Tuesday night while I was out causing trouble. Dad thought we wouldn't be able to get another one until after the new year, so I immediately put on my best pouty face. And it worked. Off he went on Wednesday to get a new machine!
Because it is Hawai'i washing machine shopping was a little more complicated than it might be otherwise. Though it's kind of normal out here. Dad bought a used machine for less than half what it cost new and was told it would be here between 4&5 that day. It did not arrive between 4&5 or at any time on that day. While it was not arriving, Dad was doing research. While Consumer Reports rated the machine #2 something or other there were apparently lots of problems with it and a class-action lawsuit regarding the machine. So, on Thursday he called Harry (of Harry's Appliances) to see about getting a different machine, new. Something less fancy. Harry called us back. There was much debate and we ended up going for this other machine. Which was to be delivered at 2PM. And it arrived promptly at 3:30PM. But, we have a brand new washing machine. And I can do all my laundry and pretend I'm home from college or something. I don't know. I don't know why I cared so much about the machine. Maybe just that I packed more gifts than clothes and my jeans were going to stink soon.
I brought a couple Netflix movies with me on this trip and we watched one the other night. The other one is Midnight Express and we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet. Actually, the family keeps trying to decide when exactly would be a good time to watch a Turkish Prison Movie. The best answer so far has come from Dad. He decided an excellent time would be after the Red Sox have beaten the Yankees in the playoffs and then gone on to win the World Series. Because, you'd need a reminder that life could get worse. Like, you could been in a Turkish Prison. My father is the cutest man alive. Just so you know.
On Christmas night we watched Dodgeball and Bad(er) Santa. Mom skipped out on Dodgeball because she'd seen it before and didn't love it quite as much as Dad did. And it was pretty funny. And only encouraged my celebrity crush on Jason Bateman. Something that had been dying out since Teen Wolf Too and resurfacing with Arrested Development. And while I did like Dodgeball, having to explain to my father just what a Dirty Sanchez is was a bit of an awkward moment. Much like I suspect the moment will be when I explain it to my Mom after she reads this. Though maybe she'll just ask Dad or look it up on the magical internet. Anyway, it was fun. And kind of typical for this family.
Actually, I think it was Christmas Eve and we were all hanging on my folks' bed enjoying the air conditioning while pondering what we should do. And we were trying to think of what typical families do for family time. It was harder than we expected. We finally came up with Parcheesi. Which we have now played twice. I have lost both times. I am ashamed. But it was family time. We've also run lots of errands, been to Costco, done the Christmas thing and gone to the beach. All in all a good holiday in Hawai'i.
Now if only my friends here would call so we could hang. 'Cause I'm running out of time! I have tomorrow (my Mom's Birthday) and Tuesday until 8PM or so.
Dammit. I only have two more days. That sucks. I don't wanna go back to New York and my cold apartment and evil job. BAH!
Because it is Hawai'i washing machine shopping was a little more complicated than it might be otherwise. Though it's kind of normal out here. Dad bought a used machine for less than half what it cost new and was told it would be here between 4&5 that day. It did not arrive between 4&5 or at any time on that day. While it was not arriving, Dad was doing research. While Consumer Reports rated the machine #2 something or other there were apparently lots of problems with it and a class-action lawsuit regarding the machine. So, on Thursday he called Harry (of Harry's Appliances) to see about getting a different machine, new. Something less fancy. Harry called us back. There was much debate and we ended up going for this other machine. Which was to be delivered at 2PM. And it arrived promptly at 3:30PM. But, we have a brand new washing machine. And I can do all my laundry and pretend I'm home from college or something. I don't know. I don't know why I cared so much about the machine. Maybe just that I packed more gifts than clothes and my jeans were going to stink soon.
I brought a couple Netflix movies with me on this trip and we watched one the other night. The other one is Midnight Express and we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet. Actually, the family keeps trying to decide when exactly would be a good time to watch a Turkish Prison Movie. The best answer so far has come from Dad. He decided an excellent time would be after the Red Sox have beaten the Yankees in the playoffs and then gone on to win the World Series. Because, you'd need a reminder that life could get worse. Like, you could been in a Turkish Prison. My father is the cutest man alive. Just so you know.
On Christmas night we watched Dodgeball and Bad(er) Santa. Mom skipped out on Dodgeball because she'd seen it before and didn't love it quite as much as Dad did. And it was pretty funny. And only encouraged my celebrity crush on Jason Bateman. Something that had been dying out since Teen Wolf Too and resurfacing with Arrested Development. And while I did like Dodgeball, having to explain to my father just what a Dirty Sanchez is was a bit of an awkward moment. Much like I suspect the moment will be when I explain it to my Mom after she reads this. Though maybe she'll just ask Dad or look it up on the magical internet. Anyway, it was fun. And kind of typical for this family.
Actually, I think it was Christmas Eve and we were all hanging on my folks' bed enjoying the air conditioning while pondering what we should do. And we were trying to think of what typical families do for family time. It was harder than we expected. We finally came up with Parcheesi. Which we have now played twice. I have lost both times. I am ashamed. But it was family time. We've also run lots of errands, been to Costco, done the Christmas thing and gone to the beach. All in all a good holiday in Hawai'i.
Now if only my friends here would call so we could hang. 'Cause I'm running out of time! I have tomorrow (my Mom's Birthday) and Tuesday until 8PM or so.
Dammit. I only have two more days. That sucks. I don't wanna go back to New York and my cold apartment and evil job. BAH!
Raining in Paradise
I find it very hard to blog on vacation. I have three entries marinating in my Edit Posts section that I've written in my mind and only made notes on while actually at a computer.
I don't know what it is. I feel like I have lots of free time on vacation, but I can't think of any time I've just been sitting on my ass thinking, 'what on earth can I do now'. But then, I don't feel like I've done three million things. I think I just move at a slower pace here. Or on vacation. Or something. Hawai'i can do that to you. Make you move slower. That hang loose aloha way or something.
Actually, it drives my New York state of mind self batty now. No where more than Longs. It's a drug store. Kind of like Duane Reade in New York. Rite Aid. CVS. Eckerd. That kind of place. Except in Hawai'i you can get three million kinds of mac nuts, fresh mochi, senbei, slippas, Mahalo notecards and Men of Hawai'i calendars. A lovely place. I go at least five times per visit home. I went tonight. With my Dad. And even when it's not crowded you get little traffic jams with people standing around staring at a pack of noodles for five minutes with seven relatives and/or friends hovered around them. Or people with giant shopping carts (it is a drug store, just like Duane Reade, not a grocery store or a giant department store, but they have grocery carts) blocking the tiny aisles. And everyone is just plugging along, waiting patiently for space to clear. And I just want to yell, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!" because patience is a virtue and I am far from virtuous. Though, I guess I never have yelled that at a nice old man using his body and his cart to block two aisles while deciding between beef jerky flavors. I've only done that in my mind. While throttling him. In my mind.
Anyway, I don't remember that bothering me when I lived here. Or even when I'd come back from University breaks. It's only been the last few years that I've stood in line at the check-out counter wanting to quickly explain to the cashier that no one gives a rat's ass as to how much she likes whatever soury/sweet goodness she's bagging for the woman ahead of me and can she just shut up and take her money and get going already! Um, sorry. I'm a bad person and have no Aloha Spirit. Or Southern Charm. Or whatever I used to have that made me swear less in my mind. I don't know. This isn't even what I think I set out to write.
Vacation hurts my brain. Either that or the painful game of Book Lovers Trivial Pursuit my family just failed to finish. We used to think we were a bright family. Until now. Though Dad claims the box says "for book worms" and we are just book readers. My dad is cute. But I actually knew lots of things, just none of the questions they read to me. They even had questions on the fairy porn author as well as one on a transgendered author I read about just this afternoon in Bitch. I kept getting all the dyke author questions right. Think my parents my now be starting to suspect...?
Ooooh, I think the rain might be easing. Wonder if we can see the moon now...
Oh, y'all should email Mom tomorrow if you get a chance. She's turning older tomorrow.
Happy Birthday (early) Mommy!
I don't know what it is. I feel like I have lots of free time on vacation, but I can't think of any time I've just been sitting on my ass thinking, 'what on earth can I do now'. But then, I don't feel like I've done three million things. I think I just move at a slower pace here. Or on vacation. Or something. Hawai'i can do that to you. Make you move slower. That hang loose aloha way or something.
Actually, it drives my New York state of mind self batty now. No where more than Longs. It's a drug store. Kind of like Duane Reade in New York. Rite Aid. CVS. Eckerd. That kind of place. Except in Hawai'i you can get three million kinds of mac nuts, fresh mochi, senbei, slippas, Mahalo notecards and Men of Hawai'i calendars. A lovely place. I go at least five times per visit home. I went tonight. With my Dad. And even when it's not crowded you get little traffic jams with people standing around staring at a pack of noodles for five minutes with seven relatives and/or friends hovered around them. Or people with giant shopping carts (it is a drug store, just like Duane Reade, not a grocery store or a giant department store, but they have grocery carts) blocking the tiny aisles. And everyone is just plugging along, waiting patiently for space to clear. And I just want to yell, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!" because patience is a virtue and I am far from virtuous. Though, I guess I never have yelled that at a nice old man using his body and his cart to block two aisles while deciding between beef jerky flavors. I've only done that in my mind. While throttling him. In my mind.
Anyway, I don't remember that bothering me when I lived here. Or even when I'd come back from University breaks. It's only been the last few years that I've stood in line at the check-out counter wanting to quickly explain to the cashier that no one gives a rat's ass as to how much she likes whatever soury/sweet goodness she's bagging for the woman ahead of me and can she just shut up and take her money and get going already! Um, sorry. I'm a bad person and have no Aloha Spirit. Or Southern Charm. Or whatever I used to have that made me swear less in my mind. I don't know. This isn't even what I think I set out to write.
Vacation hurts my brain. Either that or the painful game of Book Lovers Trivial Pursuit my family just failed to finish. We used to think we were a bright family. Until now. Though Dad claims the box says "for book worms" and we are just book readers. My dad is cute. But I actually knew lots of things, just none of the questions they read to me. They even had questions on the fairy porn author as well as one on a transgendered author I read about just this afternoon in Bitch. I kept getting all the dyke author questions right. Think my parents my now be starting to suspect...?
Ooooh, I think the rain might be easing. Wonder if we can see the moon now...
Oh, y'all should email Mom tomorrow if you get a chance. She's turning older tomorrow.
Happy Birthday (early) Mommy!
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