So, the weekend before last (I think, it's all a blur), someone was telling me a story and described the woman in the story as being a fat chick. The tone of voice implied that this was a HUGE fat woman. The size of the woman was somewhat relevant to the story and I wasn't offended by it or anything. But then the person went on to describe how fat she was. "She was about this tall (gesturing) and was like [insert Amanda's exact weight here]." Huh.
Just the way he talked about her, I got the impression he sorta thought of her as much bigger than me. I didn't get the feeling that he was saying "she's as fat as you are" or anything. But, it got me thinking. So much that I don't really remember much about the story.
Stuff like that happens a lot. On two levels:
One, people talk to me about fat people in such a way that I get the impression that they think I'm not fat. Which is absurd. I totally understand that people don't think of me as a fat person first or that it's the most important thing about me to them, but come on. I'm huge. Medically considered obese. It's not like it's subtle or something. Now, I don't want everyone going around acknowledging my fat ass all the time, but I wonder about people talking about other fat people in front of me in a certain way. I don't know how I feel about it.
Two, people just have no concept of what I weigh. I think part of it is that I'm very curvy. Always have been, always will be. So, proportionally I have a tiny waist. And huge knockers. I'm not just a round fat person. And I think that throws them off in the weight guessing game. But it also makes me feel worse about my weight. Sure, it's nice that they don't seem to think I'm as fat as I am. But it also just hits home how big I am and how far I have to go and it makes me tired. And to want to sit down. With a pizza.
Just things I think about. I'm not really ready to ask friends to change their behaviors or perceptions of me, but it's something that I toss around.
And, while I'm spewing fat girl thoughts...
So, I'm dieting. For my heart. And my mother's sanity. And my desire to have more shopping options open to me. And it's going well. It's going slowly. And I keep telling myself that's good for me in the long run even though it's fucking annoying in the short term. But it's going well. The weight is going down. I'm down about 21 pounds now. Which is awesome. But...
Focusing on my weight and my eating habits and my exercise habits has made me a crazy person. I think about food & exercise all the time. I talk about it all the time. If you let me get started, woe unto you. I might never shut up. I'm sure I'm annoying the crap out of folks and I try to rein myself in, but it still seems pretty excessive.
But the worst is how fucked up my body image is now. I actually felt sexier 20 pounds ago. Right now pants that were tight a few months ago can slide off my ass without being unbuttoned. And yet, I feel huge and fat and gross and unattractive. And in the rational part of my brain I know how stupid that is. I can see with these pants how much weight I have lost. And it's awesome and excellent and not nearly enough. But I still feel like I'm a house. More so than I did before. I'm not sure how to shake that. I think it'll come with time so I'm not in a panic over it. And I'm not veering off into crazed anorexia. It's just really annoying. I liked it a lot better when I thought I was pretty. Shallow and silly as that may be, I'm happier when I feel pretty.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Frat Girl - might be boring for non Alpha Delts
Just to let everyone know just how tired I am these days...
This morning I'm on the train, sitting down & zoning with my iPod, not really even feeling up to reading. And then I see a woman by the door trying to get my attention. She keeps gesturing to my shirt. After finally realizing she is talking to me I start looking down at my shirt. It doesn't seem to have a giant rip in it. It's not up around my armpits. It's not a button down or anything so it's not all unbuttoned and gaping. I'm wondering if she has a problem with my breasts or the color pink or something. But then she makes her way over to me to lean down and share with me that my shirt is on inside out AND backwards. I had no clue. I probably would not have had any clue for hours. Until Sheena stood in front of my desk to chat at me and noticed and then laughed at me. Ugh. I cannot tell you all how happy I am to be in town for the next two weekends. And then off to Boston for the annual shopping. And CT for inappropriate things (still tentative) and then Hawai'i for beach time!
This weekend was good. But strange. I was the alumni delegate to my fraternity/society's national convention. Which is both as nerdy as it sounds and yet not as nerdy as it sounds. There were lots of meetings and singing and goofiness (including a pirate a capella group I haven't the words to describe), but it was also fun with a lot of interesting people and ideas and conversations and such. And somehow, I sorta agreed to join another alumni group and signed up to do a few things. Nothing on the level of what I'm doing for the local alumni group of the Phi, but it's certainly more ammunition for my friends and family when the intervention comes.
It was a bit odd. A lot of the folks there have been involved in the Society's management since the beginning back in 1992. So there was a lot of shared history and work. Of which I had not been a part. So I felt like I was missing out on a lot of insider information. But it's still an organization of which I am a part. An organization that considers itself a family more than anything else. So I felt like a bit of an outsider and yet still part of the family. A family that embraces you as one of it's own pretty much the moment you walk in and are all "Hi, I'm [Name], [chapter], '[year]." Yeah, I know. Totally smurfy (old word, I know, but SO applicable here). But still good. And, as I learned more about things I wanted to talk about how to do things and improve upon things and all of that. As is my habit. Which gets me into trouble and causes me to not have time to sleep or clean my apartment or whatever. I did try to hold back though. And hopefully I can follow through on the things I actually agreed to do, but we'll see.
Mom and Lovey will probably hold the intervention soon and lock me up and then this will all be moot anyway. Unless of course the Phi wins in the epic battle for my soul. Hmmmmm...
This morning I'm on the train, sitting down & zoning with my iPod, not really even feeling up to reading. And then I see a woman by the door trying to get my attention. She keeps gesturing to my shirt. After finally realizing she is talking to me I start looking down at my shirt. It doesn't seem to have a giant rip in it. It's not up around my armpits. It's not a button down or anything so it's not all unbuttoned and gaping. I'm wondering if she has a problem with my breasts or the color pink or something. But then she makes her way over to me to lean down and share with me that my shirt is on inside out AND backwards. I had no clue. I probably would not have had any clue for hours. Until Sheena stood in front of my desk to chat at me and noticed and then laughed at me. Ugh. I cannot tell you all how happy I am to be in town for the next two weekends. And then off to Boston for the annual shopping. And CT for inappropriate things (still tentative) and then Hawai'i for beach time!
This weekend was good. But strange. I was the alumni delegate to my fraternity/society's national convention. Which is both as nerdy as it sounds and yet not as nerdy as it sounds. There were lots of meetings and singing and goofiness (including a pirate a capella group I haven't the words to describe), but it was also fun with a lot of interesting people and ideas and conversations and such. And somehow, I sorta agreed to join another alumni group and signed up to do a few things. Nothing on the level of what I'm doing for the local alumni group of the Phi, but it's certainly more ammunition for my friends and family when the intervention comes.
It was a bit odd. A lot of the folks there have been involved in the Society's management since the beginning back in 1992. So there was a lot of shared history and work. Of which I had not been a part. So I felt like I was missing out on a lot of insider information. But it's still an organization of which I am a part. An organization that considers itself a family more than anything else. So I felt like a bit of an outsider and yet still part of the family. A family that embraces you as one of it's own pretty much the moment you walk in and are all "Hi, I'm [Name], [chapter], '[year]." Yeah, I know. Totally smurfy (old word, I know, but SO applicable here). But still good. And, as I learned more about things I wanted to talk about how to do things and improve upon things and all of that. As is my habit. Which gets me into trouble and causes me to not have time to sleep or clean my apartment or whatever. I did try to hold back though. And hopefully I can follow through on the things I actually agreed to do, but we'll see.
Mom and Lovey will probably hold the intervention soon and lock me up and then this will all be moot anyway. Unless of course the Phi wins in the epic battle for my soul. Hmmmmm...
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