Fat Girl - might be boring for everyone

So, the weekend before last (I think, it's all a blur), someone was telling me a story and described the woman in the story as being a fat chick. The tone of voice implied that this was a HUGE fat woman. The size of the woman was somewhat relevant to the story and I wasn't offended by it or anything. But then the person went on to describe how fat she was. "She was about this tall (gesturing) and was like [insert Amanda's exact weight here]." Huh.

Just the way he talked about her, I got the impression he sorta thought of her as much bigger than me. I didn't get the feeling that he was saying "she's as fat as you are" or anything. But, it got me thinking. So much that I don't really remember much about the story.

Stuff like that happens a lot. On two levels:

One, people talk to me about fat people in such a way that I get the impression that they think I'm not fat. Which is absurd. I totally understand that people don't think of me as a fat person first or that it's the most important thing about me to them, but come on. I'm huge. Medically considered obese. It's not like it's subtle or something. Now, I don't want everyone going around acknowledging my fat ass all the time, but I wonder about people talking about other fat people in front of me in a certain way. I don't know how I feel about it.

Two, people just have no concept of what I weigh. I think part of it is that I'm very curvy. Always have been, always will be. So, proportionally I have a tiny waist. And huge knockers. I'm not just a round fat person. And I think that throws them off in the weight guessing game. But it also makes me feel worse about my weight. Sure, it's nice that they don't seem to think I'm as fat as I am. But it also just hits home how big I am and how far I have to go and it makes me tired. And to want to sit down. With a pizza.

Just things I think about. I'm not really ready to ask friends to change their behaviors or perceptions of me, but it's something that I toss around.

And, while I'm spewing fat girl thoughts...

So, I'm dieting. For my heart. And my mother's sanity. And my desire to have more shopping options open to me. And it's going well. It's going slowly. And I keep telling myself that's good for me in the long run even though it's fucking annoying in the short term. But it's going well. The weight is going down. I'm down about 21 pounds now. Which is awesome. But...

Focusing on my weight and my eating habits and my exercise habits has made me a crazy person. I think about food & exercise all the time. I talk about it all the time. If you let me get started, woe unto you. I might never shut up. I'm sure I'm annoying the crap out of folks and I try to rein myself in, but it still seems pretty excessive.

But the worst is how fucked up my body image is now. I actually felt sexier 20 pounds ago. Right now pants that were tight a few months ago can slide off my ass without being unbuttoned. And yet, I feel huge and fat and gross and unattractive. And in the rational part of my brain I know how stupid that is. I can see with these pants how much weight I have lost. And it's awesome and excellent and not nearly enough. But I still feel like I'm a house. More so than I did before. I'm not sure how to shake that. I think it'll come with time so I'm not in a panic over it. And I'm not veering off into crazed anorexia. It's just really annoying. I liked it a lot better when I thought I was pretty. Shallow and silly as that may be, I'm happier when I feel pretty.