So tired. People are mean and keep making me go out and stuff. It's horrible. My life is very, very hard. I tried to convince Monkey Man of this today. And suggested he be nice to me because of it. And he just mocked me. So mean.
Last night was a bit of music. Lovey and I went to see Iolanthe and Lovey's boyfriend perform in/lead one of the pieces at the The Lark Ascending's most recent event. Parts of it were enjoyable, parts of it were dull, parts of it were really, really long. Iolanthe was lovely and looked fabulous. I wish I could've heard her better, but another performer was quite loud which made that a bit of a problem. It was still fun and it was nice getting to meet Lovey's man. I now know he exists. Which means I have to stop putting quotes around his name. Which makes me sad. I think the fun of meeting him outweighs the sad of losing the quotes though.
I had forgotten how pretentious performers and their patrons can seem though. I'm a theatre major/actressy type and I can totally bring the drama. I know this. But that's not who I hang out with these days so I kind of forgot that I'm not the most melodramatic person on the planet. There are folks out there who take it to whole new levels. Some of the faces some of these folks were making while speaking or reading or singing or taking their bows were pretty precious. It made me smile.
In other EXCITING news, I had my work review yesterday. And it kind of played like a High School Guidance Counselor session. We spent 1-2 minutes actually reviewing my year's performance. While Lovey and I both agree that my attitude has worsened over this year, my bosses feel I am much improved with that over the previous year and overall think I do a fabulous job. Though I tend to 'lose focus' from time to time on tasks that are boring and repetitive. Which I agree with. And which I actually said (I just typed that as sed because I am a moron) in my self evaluation. All very unexciting. Then we moved on to how I need to come up with career goals so we can all work to find a job or a career path, with the company, for me to follow. It was all really odd. I don't know what to make of it. I don't think I want to stay here, but it's kind of strange for them to take an interest after all this time. Though I did get a strong feeling that they don't think I'm well educated or qualified for too much. I kept getting the impression that they were hearing "BA from Wesleyan University" as "Associates Degree from Wesleyan Community College". And they don't seem to think much of community college - because folks are a touch elitist here. Anyway, I'm mulling that over now while Muppet is fussing at me to get my resume in gear and get it to her so I can start looking for something outside of this place. We'll see.
I'm mostly in a good mood right now. I'm still very upset about the election. I still feel sad that more people don't seem to agree with me on the state of our country and the need for Bush to be out of office. I still feel sad that eleven states are proud to say that people can be denied rights based on their sexuality. But, I'm starting to feel good about going out there and doing things about it. More things about it. And that makes me a little hopeful. Plus, I've been spending a lot of time with my friends who do agree with me and who do see things like I do, at least broadly speaking. And who also plan to continue to try to make changes. And all that is awesome. Plus I just like hanging out with my friends because they rock. And they help keep me happy. Even though one of them keeps telling me of these awesome guys she meets, offers to hand them off to me and then jumps them herself. So mean. Not happy making.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Dealing with it all
Yesterday was a bad day. I'm still very sad and shocked about Kerry's loss. In fact, Lovey even told her boss that I was "despondent" yesterday. He is as well, so he understood. We commiserated a little on the phone this morning and he said he was staying in Singapore for good now. Just joking though. We would never leave our country. I wouldn't. Much that I talk about moving with PimpDaddy to New Zealand now, I'm not abandoning the place I love so much to the right-wing zealots who are all about bullshit 'morality'. And it's not like I'm alone in my views. Yesterday Muppet and I went out for coffee/smoke breaks every hour or so to just kind of vent a little. There was & is a lot of discussion in the office over what this means for the country and the world and what we can do. Rock Star Fran and I had a lovely diner lunch where we pissed and moaned and tried to cheer each other up. And everyone kept asking me to do things last night because they were worried about my mental state and wanted to cheer me up. Which was sweet. Knowing I wasn't alone and all. Though, I am in the minority now, it seems. Which feels weird. Last night a friend commented that he was having a hard time grasping the idea that he disagrees with over half the country. That over half the country thinks in a totally different way from him. And it's hard to wrap your head around that. I totally agree. It's a strange thing. Because I just cannot comprehend what is going on in the mind of over half my countrymen.
But I think I'm starting to ease out of the shock and mourning phase and am trying to get into a place where I can start thinking about what to do to make things more like I think they should be.
Last night was really nice. Took my mind off things and I even started having a good day. I met Meat Boy for dinner at a noodle place in the Village. He's an old friend from high school that I don't see often enough. He lives in New York but we only get together a couple times a year it seems. Hopefully we can start changing that. He's a great guy and has a darling wife and we have a lot of fun.
Anyway, we had dinner and caught up on things and grabbed a beer at the Crow and talked and laughed for a few hours. It was a nice mix of conversation. I sometimes worry with older friends I don't see often that it might not work out. That we'll spend the whole time not being comfortable anymore or that we won't talk about anything but the good old days with a little bit of catching up tossed in. That it won't be a real conversation between friends. But this was a real conversation. We talked about the election. And luckily he was a Kerry supporter too. I don't think I could've handled a dinner of gloating or anything. We also talked about books and New York and Sims (apparently they can 'woo hoo' now - I don't know, I've never played) and watched a little Pulp Fiction at the bar. We talked some about high school and how stupid we were and probably still are. We caught up a little on old friends. And it was just a really nice night. I laughed a lot. Which I needed after moping all morning and afternoon. Though it did mean I got home after 11 and did not get that much needed early bedtime. So worth it.
And as an extra special bonus, working last night was one of the old bartenders from the time when I went to the Stoned Crow almost weekly. He's a fun one and I hadn't seen him in at least a couple of years. It seems like almost the entire staff has turned over and that makes me sad. Especially since the bartender/waiter I crushed on the most hasn't been around in forever. Not that we were really sure he was straight, but he was so pretty and I got hugs and all. I'm such a shallow, superficial girl. Anyway, it was nice to see that guy there. He's not exactly hard on the eyes either.
Bartenders must get so much play.
In other sad news, Kerry still hasn't win the election. And Beyonce has decided she no longer wants to participate in the reading program. Apparently she's older now and wants to hang with her friends on the playground at lunch rather than read with me. Which kind of breaks my heart a little. I loved doing math with her and reading and giggling. But I can understand. I think. They're going to get me someone else, hopefully starting next week. I hope they like me.
But I think I'm starting to ease out of the shock and mourning phase and am trying to get into a place where I can start thinking about what to do to make things more like I think they should be.
Last night was really nice. Took my mind off things and I even started having a good day. I met Meat Boy for dinner at a noodle place in the Village. He's an old friend from high school that I don't see often enough. He lives in New York but we only get together a couple times a year it seems. Hopefully we can start changing that. He's a great guy and has a darling wife and we have a lot of fun.
Anyway, we had dinner and caught up on things and grabbed a beer at the Crow and talked and laughed for a few hours. It was a nice mix of conversation. I sometimes worry with older friends I don't see often that it might not work out. That we'll spend the whole time not being comfortable anymore or that we won't talk about anything but the good old days with a little bit of catching up tossed in. That it won't be a real conversation between friends. But this was a real conversation. We talked about the election. And luckily he was a Kerry supporter too. I don't think I could've handled a dinner of gloating or anything. We also talked about books and New York and Sims (apparently they can 'woo hoo' now - I don't know, I've never played) and watched a little Pulp Fiction at the bar. We talked some about high school and how stupid we were and probably still are. We caught up a little on old friends. And it was just a really nice night. I laughed a lot. Which I needed after moping all morning and afternoon. Though it did mean I got home after 11 and did not get that much needed early bedtime. So worth it.
And as an extra special bonus, working last night was one of the old bartenders from the time when I went to the Stoned Crow almost weekly. He's a fun one and I hadn't seen him in at least a couple of years. It seems like almost the entire staff has turned over and that makes me sad. Especially since the bartender/waiter I crushed on the most hasn't been around in forever. Not that we were really sure he was straight, but he was so pretty and I got hugs and all. I'm such a shallow, superficial girl. Anyway, it was nice to see that guy there. He's not exactly hard on the eyes either.
Bartenders must get so much play.
In other sad news, Kerry still hasn't win the election. And Beyonce has decided she no longer wants to participate in the reading program. Apparently she's older now and wants to hang with her friends on the playground at lunch rather than read with me. Which kind of breaks my heart a little. I loved doing math with her and reading and giggling. But I can understand. I think. They're going to get me someone else, hopefully starting next week. I hope they like me.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
I don't understand
I was going to jokingly blame the Red Sox. Because I've been blaming them for everything I can lately. But that just seems kinda stupid right now. Really stupid right now. I'm just so drained and feel really beat down. And I don't understand my country. This makes no sense to me. I just cannot comprehend how so many people in this country can actually vote for such a right leaning administration. Such a slanted, twisted administration. How can they think Bush and Cheney are fit to lead us after what's happened these past four years? How can so many people still not get out and vote?
I'm afraid that four years from now I will have lost so many rights and freedoms in the name of my morality and my safety, when I feel I'm perfectly capable of looking after my morality and a good deal of my own safety. I'm afraid I won't be able to travel outside the US because everyone on the planet will hate me just for being an American. I'm afraid and beyond depressed thinking of more people who will die in a war that just isn't right or necessary or helpful to anything. I'm so disgusted that so many people in this country think it's okay to give rights to some people and not to others, based just on who they love. I guess racism isn't fashionable or legal but prejudice based on sexual orientation is an acceptable alternative.
I'm not making sense and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just scared and sad. And I don't know what I can do. I want to find ways to fight this administration constantly for the next four years. And I don't know where to start. And I don't know why more people don't seem to care. A few of mine friends are devastated. No one else seems affected. I don't know. I am not moving to Canada. I love my country. I will never leave it. But it seems like I'm just not able to fix it or change it or improve it. At least not right this minute. Not today. Not yesterday. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or four years from now. Someday.
I'm afraid that four years from now I will have lost so many rights and freedoms in the name of my morality and my safety, when I feel I'm perfectly capable of looking after my morality and a good deal of my own safety. I'm afraid I won't be able to travel outside the US because everyone on the planet will hate me just for being an American. I'm afraid and beyond depressed thinking of more people who will die in a war that just isn't right or necessary or helpful to anything. I'm so disgusted that so many people in this country think it's okay to give rights to some people and not to others, based just on who they love. I guess racism isn't fashionable or legal but prejudice based on sexual orientation is an acceptable alternative.
I'm not making sense and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just scared and sad. And I don't know what I can do. I want to find ways to fight this administration constantly for the next four years. And I don't know where to start. And I don't know why more people don't seem to care. A few of mine friends are devastated. No one else seems affected. I don't know. I am not moving to Canada. I love my country. I will never leave it. But it seems like I'm just not able to fix it or change it or improve it. At least not right this minute. Not today. Not yesterday. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or four years from now. Someday.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I Voted
I voted today. I was up at 6:30AM and off to the PS29 before 7AM. And I was totally giddy about it. Beautiful fall day, saw lots of my neighbors walking to the polling place as well, passed by a "Vote Kerry" pumpkin on a stoop, saw a kid playing ball while waiting for his dad to vote. It made me excited and a little hopeful. Mostly I've been terrified about this election. I can't believe it's going to be so close, that there's a chance that Bush could win. And I get scared thinking about what four more years of Bush will do to this country, to me, to the world. I don't like it. But I went and did my part. I've tried to convince others to do theirs. And now I just kind of have to sit and wait.
What is the world going to think of us if we re-elect Bush? I saw some European high school aged kids chattering on the subway yesterday and one of them had an anti-Bush button on. A friend of my mother's in Germany said everyone she knows over there is just in awe that we could do the wrong thing and re-elect Bush. I just hope we don't do it. And I hope that it's not a big mess and a super close race that goes on for days. And weeks. And months.
Ugh. Now my hopeful giddiness has worn off.
What is the world going to think of us if we re-elect Bush? I saw some European high school aged kids chattering on the subway yesterday and one of them had an anti-Bush button on. A friend of my mother's in Germany said everyone she knows over there is just in awe that we could do the wrong thing and re-elect Bush. I just hope we don't do it. And I hope that it's not a big mess and a super close race that goes on for days. And weeks. And months.
Ugh. Now my hopeful giddiness has worn off.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Furry Dolphins
Happy Birthday Daddy! You're the best Dad ever and you rock.
I'm having a cinnamon raisin bagel while thinking of my grandfather. He often had cinnamon raisin toast in the morning with his milk and grapefruit. And I have that too. Minus the grapefruit. So, sitting here with cinnamon, raisin, bread and butter flavors reminds me of mornings at his kitchen table. And that makes me happy. I like memories of my grandfather.
This morning I was walking to work, walking past Fox's headquarters as I always do, when I saw a handful of people standing out there wearing dolphin costumes. Like full on mascot type costumes. That were furry. Because dolphins are furry? I don't know. They were furry. One even had a hunting jacket and orange head. They were holding signs for flipper cam and one of them had a "How's my Tan?" sign. Which really got me thinking. I mean, dammit, I DO NOT want to elect a man to the highest office in our country if he has a tan. How can you run a country if you have a tan? Obviously, you can't. I'm voting for Bush. Oh, wait. NO I'M NOT. And it's going to take more than a tool in a furry dolphin costume to convince me otherwise. People are not right.
I really need to find a new route. Furry dolphins today, last week there was some nonsense out there for Branson's Quest for the Best, one time they had a giant tub/vat/bowl of chili. Sometimes people in bikinis. And then there are the gawkers. And with the gawkers I have to swear and shove people out of my way just to get down the sidewalk. So when I run for office one day I'm sure Fox will pull out all the footage of me swearing and knocking down old people and children on my way to work. My life, it is hard. So hard. Furry fucking dolphins. Morons. I kind of wish the flip flopping nonsense would end. But I want Kerry to win, obviously, and if he does I suspect the flip flopping chatter will continue. Because people are stupid. But hopefully, enough people aren't stupid or are not too stupid and we'll have a Kerry outcome after Tuesday. Please.
This weekend was good, if a bit too trip down memory laney for my tastes. Friday night was Muffy's big birthday fun. Dinner and drinks in Brooklyn with lots of nice folks. Lovey was supposed to go with me, but she works with a lazy ass and got stuck at the office so late she won't tell me what time she left. But there was Mexican food and bocce ball and lots of beer. Oh and a small amount of beercheese. And the birthday girl had fun. I think. Even though my partner and I did trounce her and Steph at bocce ball. My first time ever playing too. I think I'm a natural. Though I suspect the game would quickly become boring to me if I played it without beer. Much like I only enjoy croquet with a stiff drink or two in hand. The last time I played croquet was at SABW's bridal shower. After the shower. We were drunk and it was raining and dark and I had a good time. I believe at the time I thought I was a natural at that too. I think I might've been wrong. And considering the fact that my partner later dumped me to play with another girl later... maybe I'm not a natural at bocce ball. How depressing.
Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent with little chores around the house and lots of time getting photos organized and up online. Going through all my reunion photos took forever with all the Ed's Shirt photos included. But they're up now. Woo. Well, all the ones that don't involve me looking gross. Soon I start on the Birthday Week photos. Over 90 of those. It makes me tired thinking about it. Don't think I'll get all those done tonight as I have to get to bed early tonight. So I can get up early tomorrow morning to go vote. The polls open at 6AM I think. I won't be there at 6AM, but I'll be there eventually. Voting. Because I have to vote. How can I not? You better vote too.
I'm having a cinnamon raisin bagel while thinking of my grandfather. He often had cinnamon raisin toast in the morning with his milk and grapefruit. And I have that too. Minus the grapefruit. So, sitting here with cinnamon, raisin, bread and butter flavors reminds me of mornings at his kitchen table. And that makes me happy. I like memories of my grandfather.
This morning I was walking to work, walking past Fox's headquarters as I always do, when I saw a handful of people standing out there wearing dolphin costumes. Like full on mascot type costumes. That were furry. Because dolphins are furry? I don't know. They were furry. One even had a hunting jacket and orange head. They were holding signs for flipper cam and one of them had a "How's my Tan?" sign. Which really got me thinking. I mean, dammit, I DO NOT want to elect a man to the highest office in our country if he has a tan. How can you run a country if you have a tan? Obviously, you can't. I'm voting for Bush. Oh, wait. NO I'M NOT. And it's going to take more than a tool in a furry dolphin costume to convince me otherwise. People are not right.
I really need to find a new route. Furry dolphins today, last week there was some nonsense out there for Branson's Quest for the Best, one time they had a giant tub/vat/bowl of chili. Sometimes people in bikinis. And then there are the gawkers. And with the gawkers I have to swear and shove people out of my way just to get down the sidewalk. So when I run for office one day I'm sure Fox will pull out all the footage of me swearing and knocking down old people and children on my way to work. My life, it is hard. So hard. Furry fucking dolphins. Morons. I kind of wish the flip flopping nonsense would end. But I want Kerry to win, obviously, and if he does I suspect the flip flopping chatter will continue. Because people are stupid. But hopefully, enough people aren't stupid or are not too stupid and we'll have a Kerry outcome after Tuesday. Please.
This weekend was good, if a bit too trip down memory laney for my tastes. Friday night was Muffy's big birthday fun. Dinner and drinks in Brooklyn with lots of nice folks. Lovey was supposed to go with me, but she works with a lazy ass and got stuck at the office so late she won't tell me what time she left. But there was Mexican food and bocce ball and lots of beer. Oh and a small amount of beercheese. And the birthday girl had fun. I think. Even though my partner and I did trounce her and Steph at bocce ball. My first time ever playing too. I think I'm a natural. Though I suspect the game would quickly become boring to me if I played it without beer. Much like I only enjoy croquet with a stiff drink or two in hand. The last time I played croquet was at SABW's bridal shower. After the shower. We were drunk and it was raining and dark and I had a good time. I believe at the time I thought I was a natural at that too. I think I might've been wrong. And considering the fact that my partner later dumped me to play with another girl later... maybe I'm not a natural at bocce ball. How depressing.
Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent with little chores around the house and lots of time getting photos organized and up online. Going through all my reunion photos took forever with all the Ed's Shirt photos included. But they're up now. Woo. Well, all the ones that don't involve me looking gross. Soon I start on the Birthday Week photos. Over 90 of those. It makes me tired thinking about it. Don't think I'll get all those done tonight as I have to get to bed early tonight. So I can get up early tomorrow morning to go vote. The polls open at 6AM I think. I won't be there at 6AM, but I'll be there eventually. Voting. Because I have to vote. How can I not? You better vote too.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
So, I was poking around Wesleyan's alumni website tonight to track down the spelling of some guy's name. I'm a little anal retentive about photo labeling and wanted to get this person's name right. I didn't find him because the site is a little wonky, but then I thought I'd log into my old email account and see if it still worked. And it does. And I had email in there dating back to June of 1996. As well as some old email messages I guess I saved or something, some from 1994 even.
It was so weird. Emails from friends I never knew I'd gotten, career center emails I'd never seen, some really cute Happy Birthday emails I never knew about. A bunch of stuff I wish I'd gotten. People remembered my birthday and I never knew. And old boyfriend emails. Those always get'cha. Oh god do they get you. Well, they got me. Hard. And there were lots of emails from Pumpkin about life at Davis. Flirty emails from old flirty friends who are now married and no longer flirty with me. Some emails regarding my time as President of Alpha Delt. Also a couple from the parents. Apparently my mother used to sign emails to me with a b. rather than Mom or Mother or something. Odd. Think folks would find it strange if I responded to emails that were 5 or 8 years old? Yeah?
It's been a week of nostalgia for me. Not sure why. Maybe being 30 and all, wondering about where my life has been and where I am and where I'm going. I think I'm just a little out of sorts because I hadn't saved the world by now like I always thought I would. I suppose there's still time, but I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore. Or maybe I just know better now. And you can never save the world when you know better.
I miss the old me. Not that the current me is bad or anything, but I miss the old me.
It was so weird. Emails from friends I never knew I'd gotten, career center emails I'd never seen, some really cute Happy Birthday emails I never knew about. A bunch of stuff I wish I'd gotten. People remembered my birthday and I never knew. And old boyfriend emails. Those always get'cha. Oh god do they get you. Well, they got me. Hard. And there were lots of emails from Pumpkin about life at Davis. Flirty emails from old flirty friends who are now married and no longer flirty with me. Some emails regarding my time as President of Alpha Delt. Also a couple from the parents. Apparently my mother used to sign emails to me with a b. rather than Mom or Mother or something. Odd. Think folks would find it strange if I responded to emails that were 5 or 8 years old? Yeah?
It's been a week of nostalgia for me. Not sure why. Maybe being 30 and all, wondering about where my life has been and where I am and where I'm going. I think I'm just a little out of sorts because I hadn't saved the world by now like I always thought I would. I suppose there's still time, but I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore. Or maybe I just know better now. And you can never save the world when you know better.
I miss the old me. Not that the current me is bad or anything, but I miss the old me.
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