My parents are coming to visit and I'm freaking myself out. I want to clean everything perfectly but I don't have time for everything I want to do and so I do nothing. Well, not nothing, but still. Spanky (formerly a C friend who will totally complain about this nickname) tried to remind me that my parents will still love me if the catbox isn't cleaned, but no. Not Dad. A gross catbox will make him walk. He'll still love me if the vacuuming isn't done (though I'll have to hear about it forever) but the catbox will send him running for the hills. So that's the must do for tonight. And the rest I can probably do while they're here, with help even. I'm really looking forward to the visit. Three whole work-free days with the folks to chill, do home improvements, do a little sightseeing, eat most of the two thousand pounds of food I bought, finally set up my computer and iPod (yes, I AM the laziest woman alive, thanks for asking), things like that. I'm just looking forward to some family time.

I lost my first grandparent (not counting Grandma Carol whom I lost before I was even born) around this time six years ago. Nana. She didn't like mourning so I think she planned dying in the South around Mardi Gras. So the family would party some. And we did. And we missed her like hell. And my Papaw went a few years later. And then my Bz. And just this past Spring I lost Grandpa John. And right now Mom is down in Alabama basically saying goodbye to my great-aunt, Nana's sister. And it kinda hurts. Last night was really hard, thinking about it all. I've been so blessed to have a wonderful family that I'm close to, to have known six grandparents for the first 23 years of my life (therefore getting to know them all as people and not just awesome hug givers), to still have two wonderful grandmothers left at age 29, to have parents who are good to me and with me and with each other and happy. How lucky am I? But I guess sometimes, around this time of year, around the first of November and probably around Easter now, I just wish I were luckier. I wish that Nana could meet my children and love them like she loved me. I wish Grandpa John were around to pass judgment on my potential husband if I ever decide to go that route (and to nag me constantly if I don't). I wish Papaw were around to say "Mandy" in that wonderful, bursting voice of his. I wish Bz could take my money at cards still and tell me about how many mullet he caught. I wish Tommy and Mamaw could live forever. And my parents too. I just wish we were all together still. You know? And I have to stop this, because crying at work just isn't something I do and I'm not going to start today.

I feel kinda strange being so open and honest about my feelings in this thing, a freakin' blog open to the world. It's not something I'm comfortable doing at all really. Not outside the safety and security of my family. But it's something I'm trying out. We'll see if it works. If not I'll just go back to blabbing about the kitty litter. I know y'all love hearing about the kitty litter. Sex-ay!