Hoku

Pumpkin had to put her dog to sleep last night.  She sent an email this morning.  I was on the phone with her last night, blathering on about Tangerine's wedding and she had to go quickly because he was crying.  And I kinda worried then.  But I was still hopeful that it was just one of his bad days and he'd be fine.
 
She found out that he was sick earlier last month.  But he managed to hang in there and have a pretty good doggie time until recently.  So I think she was able to say goodbye, spend some good time with him and sort of make peace with him dying.  I hope.  I know I was really happy when I was there earlier this month and he was still seeming mostly like his Hoku self.  He's such an awesome dog.  And I got a little sad saying goodbye to him on the way to the train station.  I only saw him on visits to Pumpkin but he was excellent and I did love him.  And I can’t picture her house without him.
 
I remember when Pumpkin first got him and I’d go visit her at Cornell.  She very graciously let me sleep on her bed while she and her boyfriend sacked out on the floor.  And then Hoku climbed up on the bed and flopped down on me and it started to become clear why I got the bed.  Then he threw up on me and it was even more clear.  Heh.
 
He was a much bigger dog than I was used to hanging with.  My family always had smaller dogs that were excitable but couldn’t really do much about it.  So I sometimes wondered if Hoku wasn’t going to just knock me over at some point.  On one visit to Pumpkin it was my guestly job to walk him while she was in class.  A first I thought he was going to yank my arm out of my socket pulling on the leash (because I’m a wimp) or maybe even pull me off my feet and drag me along behind him (I was smaller and lighter then).  Then I let him go run and play in one of the pretty water areas there and was convinced I would lose him.  I had visions of him running far and wide, getting away from me and looking for his beloved Pumpkin and in doing so, would be lost forever.  Thankfully, this did not happen.  He never really left my line of sight, tired himself out, came back and we trotted on back to her apartment.
 
He was always so friendly.  Right at the door when we’d get to her place.  Demanding love and attention and ball throwing all the time.  Allowing me to rub his belly whenever I wanted, out of the kindness of his heart.  I got used to the big friendly dog love and kinda liked it.  And he was such a beautiful dog.  I used to tell him how pretty he was until Pumpkin made me stop.  Said he was a boy and not pretty.  So I had to start telling him what a handsome thing he was.
 
I just wish he hadn’t gotten sick and that Pumpkin could’ve had him around for a while longer.  It happens.  You tend to outlive your pets.  But it sucks so much.  Even if you know it’s going to happen.  I’ve lost pets and it’s just so horrible. 
 
I’ve never had to actually make the call though.  Never had to make the decision to put an animal to sleep.  With Sally, our first dog, she was sick and one day I came home from school and Mom and Dad had already put her to sleep and buried her.  It was a shock and I was very, very sad.  But I had no responsibility in it.  I trusted that my parents made the right call and was a little sad I couldn’t say goodbye, but figured they knew what they were doing.  With Pussywillow, she started acting sick right before Christmas.  And she held on through the holidays.  Then, when I was at school, Mom and Dad took her to the vet.  The vet said that she was too sick and nothing could be done and the best thing to do was to put her to sleep.  So they brought her home so I could say goodbye before taking her down to the vet.  But the trip to the vet must have been too much for her.  Because she died while Mom and Dad were getting me.  And then with our dog Freckles, I was in New York and she was basically Mom and Dad’s dog then and not mine.  And they made the decision to put her to sleep once it seemed like life was more bad than good for her.  So again, I lost the pets, but didn’t really have to take responsibility for them.  And I’m afraid to do that.  I love my girls and get so sad when I look at Nani and realize that she’s an older cat now.  She’s healthy and happy and all, but I just dread the day when she’s not.
 
But today she’s fine and Hoku is not and Pumpkin probably isn’t totally either.  And I wish I could do something.  I have found new love for my suitcase and would love to go see her this weekend, but she probably has to work or wants to be alone or something.  I don’t know.  --  Let me know, babe.  I’m thinking of you.  As is my Mom I suspect.  Well, she will be as soon as she gets up.  As are a lot of people.