Lately I've had a hankering to hear the song Forever Young. The one by Alphaville. I think it's partly because I'm not entirely happy with my relationships right now. Any of them. Well, a couple of them have had good moments of late. But no more than two or three.
Some of it's probably me, some of it's my friends. I don't know. I honestly don't care. I'm just pissed. I feel very unwanted right now. Needed, yes. Used, played, tolerated, handled, patronized, and probably loved, sure. But not wanted. And I'm the kind of person who would rather be wanted and liked than needed. I would rather have people tell me they love me, they love being with me. I like compliments. Specific ones. Not, "you're responsible or useful or there or a good listener or somehow capable in a way that helps me." Not something generic like, "you're fun, funny, friendly, nice, whatever." Something specific to me and my awesomeness. Because while I am flawed and will probably always have room to grow and things I want to work on and traits that people just don't like; I do believe I'm awesome. And I don't really think anyone else knows this right now. And it's pissing me off. But, that's neither here nor there, really. Sometimes people suck. Sometimes people are shitty friends. It happens. Whatever.
There ARE times when people don't suck. Sometimes there are perfect moments of contentment with friends. And so many of those moments stay with me. Some memories are stronger than others at different times. But when they're strong I can remember them so clearly it's almost like I'm still there.
Once, long ago in high school, MeatBoy, FlyBoy, Felicia and I went to Waimanalo Beach. No special reason. Just because. We went swimming and goofed around and probably had a picnic or something. I don't recall.
I do remember FlyBoy and Felicia going down to the edge of the water to build a sand castle while MeatBoy and I stayed up near the trees listening to some mix MeatBoy had made.
It was a gorgeous day. Sunny. Beautiful blue skies. Hot, but with a strong enough breeze that it felt cooler. Lots of families were out on the beach and you could hear folks playing in the water, the waves hitting the shore, birds now and again, the wind through the trees. At one point I laid down and put my head in MeatBoy's lap. He started playing with my hair and I love when people play with my hair. It feels so good. So, I just laid there thinking about how amazing life was. I was in Hawai'i on a beach on one of the most beautiful days I've ever seen. I was with friends I could feel comfortable with to the point where we just were there together. No deep conversation was had, no one needed anything, I didn't feel like I had to be entertaining or charming. We were just there together. MeatBoy and I weren't really even talking, and we could hear FlyBoy and Felicia giggling and goofing around with their castle. And then MeatBoy said that I would love the next song on the mix. It was Forever Young. And it was perfect in that moment. At some point in the song FlyBoy and Felicia came up and started building a pyramid on my legs. You know, because I was laying still and there was sand so why wouldn't you do that? And we were all happy and enjoying the day and enjoying being together. So now, every time I hear that song I think about that day and it makes me feel a little bit like I did then.
A few years later Felicia decided that I was not a good friend and dropped out of my life. MeatBoy and I still see each other a couple of times a year and FlyBoy and I stay in touch with the occasional email. But none of us have the same relationships with each other that we did then. But it was so good then. And I'm so grateful for that time. And all those other times that trigger similar feelings of peace and total happiness.
Keeps me going during the crap times while I wait for people to be more appreciative and me to be more accepting of the way the world works.
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