David Lynch goes to Boston Market

Vader, Bon Jovi and I went to Maggie's house in NH for Fourth of July weekend. We had a lovely time. It's a beautiful house and area and Maggie is a gracious host. Though she could rival my Mamaw in the pushing of food. I think she's going to make an excellent grandma in 30 years or so. But, it was a lovely weekend and I'm glad I went.

Anyway, in order to get to NH we rented a car in Brooklyn and drove all the way up there. I warned Maggie that we would arrive late and quite punchy from being in a car for so long. But even I didn't realize what a road trip it would end up being.

We started out okay, but with lots of traffic. There were a lot of people getting off the East Norwalk exit. Vader thought this was because they were all going to the Yankee Doodle Ranch. We had to break her heart a little by pointing out she misread the sign and it was really Yankee Doodle Bridge. We were all a little sad there is no Yankee Doodle Ranch.

Maggie called us a time or two from the road. She left Boston about the same time we left Brooklyn, and seemed a little surprised we were so far behind her drivingwise. She wanted to know why we weren't on I495 at one point. Vader pointed out we would be, in about two hours. I suspect she was just really excited to see us and have us see the house. But it seemed like she thought we'd all arrive around the same time.

Somewhere in Connecticut we were all getting a little hungry and Vader had to pee. So, we took the next exit promising gas and food. The vegetarian vetoed Burger King and KFC, the diabetic vetoed Duncan Donuts. That left us with Boston Market. Oh my.

We walked in and it was strangely quiet. Like really, creepily quiet. There were a few folks behind the counter and a couple of customers already there. But everyone was moving very slowly. And very quietly. Vader, Bon Jovi and I all started talking to each other in a whisper, and then sort of stopped speaking at all not long after after we went inside. There was a VERY pregnant woman ahead of us in line and she was asking the guy behind the counter (kinda cute, but hunched over the whole time we were there, he never stood up once) about the $4.99 specials advertised in the window. He looked at her blankly for a bit and then suggested the Side Sampler (which was priced at $5.99). She asked if they had a list of the $4.99 specials. "Nope." He didn't tell her what the $4.99 specials were, but didn't say they didn't have $4.99 specials either. Very strange.

The pregnant woman told us to go ahead while she just hung out looking at the menu and the sides displayed under the plexiglass. I believe she was still there when we finally left.

I ordered the Side Sampler with mashed potatoes, mac & cheese (also known as spiral pasta and yellow liquid) and green beans. I had to wait a moment or two for the "mac" & "cheese" to be brought out. The woman in front of me was waiting on corn. Every so often she would ask how long until the corn would be ready. Every time a couple of the workers would react by being vaguely surprised there was no corn, announcing they needed corn and responding that someone was getting corn. But no one ever told her when the corn was coming. Until eventually corn came. I think.

As the cute hunched over counter guy was packing up my food he said, "would you like this to go?"
Amanda: "No. I, um, want to stay."
CHOCG: "We're closing at 9."
Amanda (seeing that it's 8:52): "So, I guess I have to get it to go."
CHOCG: "I'm not saying that."
CHOCG: "But we're closing at 9."
Amanda: "We'll take it to go."

At some point a few other people came in. One woman with a full leg cast and crutches. A very strange looking couple. The pregnant woman still hanging out, letting people get in front of her. The line grew behind us. And yet it was still very, very quiet. And everyone was moving very, very slowly. Customers and workers.

I was in line to pay and wanted to make sure Vader and I got our cornbread with our Side Samplers. One worker showed it to me in a bag. Then another worker came around and tossed it in the larger bag of the person behind us (the woman waiting on corn). Vader then came up to me, asked me to pay for her food handed her wallet to me and said, "I have to..." and then wandered off. I demanded more cornbread. I have no idea why, but I was obsessed with making sure we got our cornbread. Paying took long enough that Vader was back from the bathroom by the time I made it to the drink station. It was very sticky on the walk from the cash register to the drink station. And as quiet as it was you could hear me pry my foot off the floor with each step.

At the drink station Vader was mesmerized by the two 2 liter bottles of Coke. At first she wondered if they just poured it into the soda fountain. I pointed out the coke lever was probably broken and people were to serve themselves. She didn't say anything, but kept pointing at the bottles. Later she said she was just concerned about health code violations. We got our sodas and met up with Bon Jovi and headed to the car. They locked the doors as soon as we left. Even though other people were still inside.

Apparently while we were getting drinks, Bon Jovi was insisting that he did NOT want his cornbread. But the cashier kept pushing it on him. At one point the couple behind him asked if THEY could have his cornbread. We don't know if the cashier let them have it or not.

So, we get outside and there is nowhere to eat our food. And Boston Market is NOT the kind of food you can eat while driving. Someone did leave an almost full and still cold enough the bottle was sweating Mike's Hard Lemonade in the parking spot next to us. We opted not to drink it. Anyway, we sat in the car eating mashed potatoes and sweet potato souffle (apparently largely just mashed sweet potatoes with brown sugar rocks on top) and really bad cornbread. Laughing, sweating and watching at least 8 different cop cars go through the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru across the street. While we were there a couple different cars pulled up and people got out only to get back in when they saw the Boston Market was closed. At one point a red mini van pulled up with a woman talking very animatedly in the driver's seat. We couldn't see a phone or anything and thought she was talking to herself. Until a very, very short man got out of the passenger seat. We couldn't even see him when he was in the van. And we decided then it was VERY Lynchian. I don't think the guy was actually a little person, but he was pretty small and looked to be an adult. And it was all just such a weird experience with all the quiet and the strange people and everyone speaking and moving so slowly...

We finally finished our food and were ready to head out. But there wasn't a trash can for as far as the eye could see. At least on our side of the road. So, we bagged it all up and got onto the highway, pulling into the CVS when we spotted a trash can. Bon Jovi got back in the car and informed us there was already a pile of Boston Market trash in the CVS trash can. Heh. Awesome.

So, we hit the road once again. Maggie checked in from time to time, Bon Jovi supplied awesome tunes (Blondie, Bon Jovi, Rick Springfield, etc) and we did well until I got ired. Between laughing over Boston Market and just being pooped I started to lose focus on the road. Not a good thing So, we looked for a place to pull over so Vader could take on driving duties. We saw a sign for a rest area and pulled over.

Now, most rest areas have at least a bathroom, some lights, picnic tables, something. This one was just wooded area and some parking spots. You should also know that Vader hates nature and the woods and all of that. Okay, I'm not sure she actually hates nature, but she's afraid of it. She's convinced nature or axe murderers or some such are going to come out of the dark and murder her. In a violent and painful manner. Lots of people have this fear, but hers is a bit grander than most. So, we pull up into a spot with dark woods on one side and a couple of dark parked trucks. Sh e jumped out of the car, ran over to the driver's seat and got in, locking her door as quickly as possible. I wasn't paying much attention and got out of the car to dump some more trash (there WAS a trashcan nearby) and stretch my legs. Until Vader and Bon Jovi threatened to leave my ass there if I didn't get in the car 'RIGHT THIS MINUTE.' Between Boston Market and this stop it we decided I'm not allowed to pick any more of our stops. Though the sleeping truckers did give us a nice long conversation about trucks, Modern Marvels, truck stop hookers, Lifetime-esque movies about truck stop hookers and a little look into my bizarre psyche.

Things went along smoothly until we hit NH. I was in the middle of some story or talking point and I saw the welcome sign. My first instinct was to say "Welcome to New Hampshire" to the car. Really, that was my intent when I stopped mid sentence. What came out of my mouth was an extremely loud, rather angry, "LIVE FREE OR DIE, BITCHES!!!" that scared Vader, Bon Jovi, me and possibly any other cars within a 100 feet of us. It was very bizarre. And I think that was the moment we broke poor Bon Jovi.

Not long after we hit the town which hosts Maggie's lake house. We pulled out her instructions and learned that they were thorough and correct, but really only useful in daylight. In the dead of night without street lights or house lights it's very hard to make out fields and meadows and farmhouses and such. But, we made it almost to the house when we ended up on Hemlock Lane. And hit a dead end. The Soundtrack from Grease 2 was on the stereo, Vader was freaking out because the nature is dark and scary all around us and all Bon Jovi could do was sing "Wa a a" from "Girl for All Seasons" over and over again. Well, until he saw a house with four guys hanging out inside. He wanted us to just drop him off there, but we didn't think having Bon Jovi ringing a doorbell at 1:30AM in a remote part of NH singing "Wa a a" would end well. Also, while she called us several times over the course of the drive, now that we were lost and needed her we couldn't get her on the phone. I know now that her house isn't in a great service area and her phone wasn't ringing but at the time there was a lot of swearing. So, Vader is in the car freaking out thinking nature is going to kill us, Bon Jovi is singing "Wa a a" on a constant loop and I'm swearing up a storm. Don't you so wish you were there?

We turned back around and right before the turn saw the house number on a tree and also on the house. We weren't sure it was the right street, but with the proper number we figured we'll chance it. There were lights on in the house unlike most others. We got to the front door and Bon Jovi wouldn't go in. He claimed he'd "seen this movie" and thought he'd be shot. I would've barged right in, but I was at the back of the group. Finally we saw Maggie's cat coming towards the door and knew we're in the right place. At which point we stumbled in with all our crap and promptly freak out Maggie and her friend with our inane babbling. And Bon Jovi's "Wa a a"'s.

So, who's with us for the NEXT road trip?