Fun Being a Girl

(Dad, just stay away from this entry, you really don't want to read this.)

A friend of mine is experiencing her first UTI this morning. And hopefully if I don't mention her name, she won't mind me writing about it.

I had 'em when I was little. And then again a time or two in college, when I was probably at my most sexually active. And it's just the worst thing ever. I'd rather have a festival of yeast infections than a UTI. It hurts and you want to pee all the time. When I have one all I want to do is sit on the toilet and cry. I had to be threatened once in order go to the ER when I had an open wound with exposed fatty tissue, but I will barely bother to put on shoes or pants in my rush to get to the doctor if I have a UTI. My friend is someone who is usually trying to convince me to see a doctor but as soon as she said she thought she had a UTI I was all, "go to the doctor, NOW." I think she may have thought she was dying since the 'walk it off' girl was so vehemently recommending a doctor's visit.

And it really is such a girl thing. Yeah, guys can get them, but I think over half of all women in this country have a UTI at least once in their lives. On the Mayo Clinic's website under risks for UTI the first one is "being female." Bah! Most women will totally feel your pain when you get one. Whenever I'd have one female nurses, doctors and pharmacists (and even boyfriends' mothers) would be so sympathetic. We'd exchange horror stories, giggle about the evils of having sex and then jokingly blame the menfolk. My friend had a similar experience, as I think I told her she would. Her doctor was sooo sympathetic. And apparently laughed at her at one point. Her doctor was prescribing the antibiotics and then mentioned the pain killer and my friend was all eager, "Is that for the orange pills?" The doctor was confused as she thought it was her first such infection. My friend said it was but that her friend (me) told her to go to the doctor and get the orange pills right away. And her doctor laughed.

But dude, the orange pills. They're magic. They make you pee neon orange for a while, but they work super fast, numb everything up and make the bad go away while the antibiotics do their thing. Oh how I love them. I haven't had a UTI in over a decade but I think if I had any skills as a poet I would write an ode to the orange pills for you right now.

I would also like to stress for everyone who hasn't had one (you lucky, lucky people) that it's not just dirty hos who get UTIs. Granted my adult ones came from a little experimenting without enough research (Dad, you SO better not be reading now) or from impersonating a bunny after a dry spell. So yes, sex seems to be a factor. Cleanliness of girl parts is always a good thing. Peeing after sex is a good, good thing to do if you're a chica. Proper post-potty technique is wise. Drinking the cranberry juice (oh how I hate vodka free cranberry juice) is a helpful thing. But sometimes, it seems you just get them. And when you do, go to the doctor, get your orange pills (and antibiotics) and then giggle and sympathize and bond with some chicas.

Dr. Muffy is probably horrified by my unscientific entry about doctoring. Because she is wise. And a doctor.