I'm not feeling well...

A friend of mine and I were talking ages ago about The Onion (I think*) and this one infographic they had on the euphemisms for currently having your period. The funny in it was that they were mostly very detailed descriptions more than euphemisms. My favorite was "I'm not feeling well because I'm bleeding from my vagina." I use it all the time. I'm sure my friends hate me for it. But they often use it too now. Heh. Actually, half the time we just use the first half so we don't have to say vagina in front of strange coworkers or squeamish boys. "I'm not feeling well (nudge, nudge)." Just sharing.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off work and will be journeying to The Phi with Muffy. I'm kind of excited about it. Road trip with a gal pal. Hanging with the youngins (I'm almost 30, you know). Getting to know my little stewards better. Meeting the new Chef. Going to the Mall. And while it's still cold (fuck you mother nature!), it will be sunny and all so that's good for the drive. Woo.

I'm an interesting driver. I think. I'm not a bad driver. No matter what you mean folks say. I am kind of a stupid driver. I'm amazed I've never had an accident with some of the stuff I've pulled. I attribute it to luck and lightning quick reflexes. Heh. I hate driving with shoes on and when I know I have to drive I try to wear slip on shoes so I can get those puppies off. When I lived in Louisiana and Hawai'i I'd often drive with my left foot out the window. I don't know why. It seemed comfortable at the time and it's not like that foot is needed with an automatic transmission. I'd probably have lost the leg if I ever got in a bad accident though. Creepy thought.

When I first started driving I was scared and stupid so while I got my license two days after my 15th birthday, my parents wouldn't allow me to drive on my own at first. They have higher standards for driving skills than the state of Louisiana. Oddly enough. My Mamaw & Papaw were fine with it though. Went to visit them a couple of weeks later and they gave me the keys to their car and sent me off to the drive-in with my cousin. After a long lecture about not getting out of the car EVER at the drive-in or the scary folks would snatch us and eat us or something. First we were going to stop at the store. My cousin tells me to turn in as we're passing the turn. Somehow, while turning on the windshield wipers along with the turn signal and shrieking a lot, I make the turn. Then, as we're pulling into the drive-in I come within centimeters of taking out the ticket booth. My cousin thinks this is all hysterical. Of the two of us, she's the only one who has since totaled a car. I think. Somehow we made it home alive. And even with getting out of the car lots to roam and get french fries. And even after getting back in the car and letting me drive home.

I did almost sorta get into an accident once in Louisiana. I was kinda making out with a boy while driving (see, Stupid driver) and kinda sorta drove into a ditch. What with the not really paying attention thing. After freaking out and getting the car out of the ditch (really not a big thing as it wasn't a big ditch and backing out worked fine) and realizing there was no damage we decided to park and make out. I think this is the first Mom has heard of this. Mommy, I'm so sorry. The Buick was fine though. Honest.

My friend Tangerine and I used to drive 'together' in high school. One of us (the one in the driver's seat) would 'work the pedals' and the other (in the passenger seat) would steer. Such jackasses. One time we were merging (yes, we drove this way on the highway, why do you ask?) and both looking back rather than forward, just assuming the other one was looking forward. Luckily one or both of us looked forward just in time to miss rear ending someone. We took a break from that style of driving for a while. But, we didn't actually vow NEVER to drive that way again.

Tangerine and I actually spent a summer driving around the country during college. We did not use our 'together' style of driving then. It was a manual transmission and I like to pretend we were smarter people then. I sorta knew how to drive a stick, but wasn't good at it as I was very uncomfortable with it and a total chicken about it. I think I sorta hoped she'd do all the driving for two months (17,000 miles and 24 states), but she's smarter than that. So I learned. And got okay with it. Except every single time I'd get behind the wheel the first couple of months - traffic and hills would appear. Middle of nowhere flat field country at 2AM... I'd get behind the wheel and you'd think we'd driven right into LA rush hour. Horrid. But I learned well enough to be a stupid driver again. Hooray! I think the two most stunning driving moments of that trip were both on Route 66. We drove on the original road as much as possible but had to get on the highway from time to time. In a couple of stretches the highway was built right over Route 66. Once I was driving onto the highway when Tangerine spotted the pink road. So I backed off. The on-ramp. Like a total moron. Luckily, no one else was entering at that exact moment to ram into me, and no cops were around to arrest me or give me a million dollar ticket. The next time we were going up this steep, steep road where burros apparently wandered out all the time and there were many sharp curves and also a gorgeous sunset. So I'm doing my sharp curvy driving while Tangerine is hanging out the window (only her body from the knees down was actually in the car) trying to get this photo and I'm watching her and looking for burros and trying not to drive off a cliff and trying to drive into a good position for her to get the shot... Yeah.

And now, I live in New York and don't drive so much. Last time I went to visit family in Indiana I rented a car to get from airport to town to town to airport and my great aunt asked my Mamaw if I actually knew how to drive. Gah. But I do only drive every few months or so now. I don't think my skills have faded, but my attention span is so much worse. I just get more distracted by what's going on in the car then I used to and that's not so good. So I do okay when it's just me and my tunes, but put someone interesting in there... I also learned to drive in Louisiana and Hawai'i and all so this North East weather thing. Man. Not good. I drove to Boston in an ice storm by myself not too long ago and am in awe I didn't drive off the road at all. Woo.

Anyway, all this is in the hopes that Muffy gets too scared to let me drive tomorrow. :) Heh. Just kidding. I'm willing to do some driving if you want. Really.



* I can't find the infographic at the Onion's site and a search of the word vagina only came up with five options. Onion, I'm very disappointed in you.
Actually, funny & creepy sidenote. I had an online journal once and I realized that in one entry I mentioned the Olsen Twins and the word vagina (not relating to each other, just in the same entry). I then worried that if someone did a google search of 'olsen twins vagina' they might find my journal and that creeped me out. So I did that google search. It was a sick, sick thing. Ew. Some sick folks out there. Seriously. Ew.