The Vagina Entry

Okay, I lied. I'm NOT done writing about my body. Live with it. Lord knows what searches will lead people my way now.

(Sorry Daddy, you may want to look away)

I'm going to tell y'all the tale of how I came to give my vagina the title of Cleanest Vagina in all the Land.

I don't do anything special to my vagina. I have never used a douche or Feminine Deodorant Spray and frankly don't even understand such items. Really. They confuse me. I love my vagina. I don't find it to be stinky or messy or anything that would make me want to use special products on it. I wash it like the rest of my body and it seems to be perfectly happy with that. In fact, all the vaginas I've ever been confronted with have been lovely so I really don't understand why there are so many special 'cleaning' products for the vagina. Are there penis & ball cleaners? I think not. Though if such a thing does exist, PLEASE let me know. That would crack me up. So, I did not do anything special to get this title, I just went to the gynecologist.

I often have odd girly doctor visits. My first one ever, at Wesleyan's Health Center of all places, the doctor asked if I wanted to see my cervix. She already had the mirror in hand so I said what the hell and decided to take a peek. All was well until she said, "See that thing that looks like a tiny pink bagel? That's it." Yeah, I have a tiny pink bagel inside me and you're all jealous. I told my mom that lovely tale and she made some kind of ew noise and announced she was never going to eat a strawberry bagel again. Heh. So, as you can now see, girly doctors say odd things about my girly parts and I often tell my Mom about it. Because she's an awesome Mom in that way.

So, on a lovely winter's day I headed to the girly doctor for my annual poking and prodding and prescription writing. I was living in my second East Village apartment so I was 23. A lovely age.

Everything was going well with the weighing and the fluid taking and the undressing and the breast exam. And then we move on to the vagina check up. First the lovely doctor made a comment about my tattoo, talking about how Koi are good luck and all. Kind of going on about how I carry good luck with me and that the tattoo is low on my abdomen and all. Which was interesting enough. I figured that could be marked down as my fun girly doctor comment for the year. Then she started asking me if I douched or anything like that. I told her I did not and started to worry. Then she told me I had the cleanest vagina she had ever seen. Ha! How awesome is that?

We wrapped up the exam. Everything checked out okay so I dressed and headed back to work. Back then I still had AIM on my work computer and chatted with Mom there all the time. We were chatting and she asked me how the girly doctor visit went. You know, making sure I'm all healthy and stuff. So, I told her the whole clean vagina story. And then I didn't hear from her for a little bit. And I worried for a minute. A clean vagina could not have shocked my Mum after all the other topics we've discussed.

Well, she finally typed back. But she was having a hard time typing as she was laughing so hard. It turns out that she asked how the doctor was and then dashed off to the bathroom. The joy of 'multi-tasking' with Instant Messaging. She heard the little AIM ping (the bathroom is just across the hall from the office in the house) telling her I've sent a message. Dad was nearby so she asked him to read my message to her. Right after that she heard him say, "I'm NOT reading that." She quickly finished up and dashed back to the computer to see what upset my father so much. And then the laughing started. My poor, poor father.

So, the fact of my clean, clean vagina combined with that story really insured that I will be telling this tale to many, many people. For years. At least 7 so far. In fact, over time I've become very, very proud of my clean vagina. And so the title was born.

Now you all know. I have the Cleanest Vagina in all the Land.