So, last night. Found Gray Hair #2. It was in my hairbrush after my shower. Taunting me. Just sitting there all silvery and evil. It's waiting to be taped up next to Gray Hair #1 on my desk. I was very upset. Rightfully so. And still am. Any day now my skin will shrivel and I will be an old, gray-haired, wrinkly fat woman with whom no one will ever sleep again (not that anyone has ever slept with me before now, Daddy). A gray hair on my 30th and now another one just five months later. This is NOT a good sign. It's going to be all gray in no time. With wrinkles and liver spots and arthritis. ARGH!!!! My teeth will fall out in 2005 won't they? I tried to express my extreme unhappiness to Turnip and my Mother and they were not really sympathetic. So I eventually logged off and went to bed to dream of the topless boys from my new obsession, the telenovella. Don't judge me. I'm old and gross. And tired.
See, I fell asleep last night around 1AM. Despite the gray hair never having sex again (I mean ever and not again, Daddy) stress. But was awakened at 2AM on the dot. I'm not sure what woke me up, because I don't remember hearing anything or having any kind of a dream before the spider. But I sort of woke up and saw a very large (tarantula sized but not hairy) red and black spider with rather pointy looking legs. It was dangling right by my head, dangling from a thread attached to the top bar of my canopy I think. I'm not sure. It was very dark and I was asleep. I didn't freak or scream or run from the room, which is my normal reaction to large bugs within 10 yards of me. I did quickly and efficiently get out of bed and turn on the overhead light, rather than reaching past the spider and turning on the light right by my bed.
Now, I'm pretty sure this wasn't a real spider. I've never seen one like it. It did have a bit of a horror movie special effect quality about it. It's winter and too cold for spiders. I think. I've never seen a hairless spider that big before. I've NEVER seen a spider that big and right in front of me outside of some kind of science experience. Also, my initial reactions were far more rational and dreamlike than I normally behave. The first, and only, time I saw a mouse in an apartment of mine I freaked to the point of going to a friend's place for the night. The shrieks from when I saw a cockroach swimming in my bath with me could be heard from several houses away. Pumpkin (or was it Tangerine?) still laughs about this time she was with me when I saw a cockroach and freaked out beyond all reason. So getting out of bed all calm and such is NOT me. Not real me. It's more dream me. Also, I could see no evidence of a web anywhere in my apartment and found no evidence of a thread or web or anything on my bed frame that could've been supporting a spider right by my head. And, I couldn't see the spider anywhere. The cats didn't react at all to any of this. And they LOVE bug chasing, especially DKE.
I had mostly convinced myself that it was a dream spider and was about ready to try and get back to sleep. And then I noticed how gross my Barbie's hair was. I have some silk leis, tae kwon do ties and a South Park Kenny doll (killed by hanging) hanging on the bars of my bed's headboard (for lack of a better word). And a Barbie. Long story. But I picked her up to look at her nasty hair and pondered throwing her away before bed when I noticed something in her pleather skirt. At first I thought the fabric was aging weirdly. Then I realized it was an insect sack of some kind. I don't know anything about bugs & spiders other than hating them so I have no idea if it was moth sack or spider egg sack or what. I don't know how old it was, though it was dry and flat and I think older rather than newer. But that just sent my mind reeling. What could it be? Could the giant spider have emerged from it? ACK!!!! Dude, I basically then called my Mommy. Which kind of helped, but not entirely. So, I curled up on my couch. And read. And freaked out a little. And freaked out a lot when DKE suddenly acted interested in some imaginary nonsense under the couch. And didn't really fall asleep again until about 6AM. And now, I want to cry. Or take a nap. Or both.
PLEASE do something to reassure me that the spider wasn't real. I really, really want to sleep in my bed tonight.
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