Exes (probably not for Daddies)

I found out last week that my ex-fiance is getting married. And I keep waiting for it to upset me. I read chick-lit. I know I'm supposed to be upset by this and want to eat chocolate and drink vodka. Or ice cream. Or something. I've been there for friends with exes getting married or whatnot and brought vodka and chocolate. Or chips and tequila. Or whatever. But it's not really bothering me yet.

I mean, I suppose I'm happy he's happy and blah, blah, blah. But mostly, I'm kind of "eh" about the whole thing. Which seems so odd to me.

Daddy, stop reading. Kisses!

I was rather bummed and a little shaken when I learned that the boy I lost my virginity to had married less than a year after we ended. We'd only been together a couple of months. And while I was in love with him, it was a stupid eighteen year old's kind of love. Well, not too stupid as I was smart enough to turn down his suggestion of not going to Wesleyan and staying in Honolulu and marrying him. Which is pretty much what ended us. But I did love him. And I slept with him. And he claimed he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me. And then it turns out he probably just wanted to marry someone. Anyone. It wouldn't've worked out for us anyway. He was a bit of a Mormon. A lapsed one (hence the dating of and the sleeping with me), but a Mormon all the same. We were not meant to be more than a summer fling. But still. Made me sad. When we ended and when I learned he'd promised forever to someone else.

And when I last talked to The Boy he mentioned that he'd dated a couple girls since we'd talked last. And that made me so sad. These were not girls he was still seeing or had gotten serious with. Just a couple girls he'd dated for a while. He and I were not dating, are not dating and really never have dated in any conventional sense. But he's probably the boy I love most in some ways and the idea of him and other girls depressed me. Not that I'm little Miss Celibate and alone or that I felt he couldn't or shouldn't be dating girls. I just didn't like it.

And so, I figured I'd be upset when my ex got engaged to someone else. And I don't. And it makes no sense to me. I loved this man. And still do in some way. I don't seem capable of completely stopping loving someone. Unfortunately. But anyway... I loved this man and at one point wanted to marry him and spend eternity with him and have a million babies with him. We made our families meet and bond. There was a ring. There was discussion of the million babies (well, arguments really as I wanted one and he wanted three and the million thing was never an option). And then there wasn't anything. Which was sad. But it was also the right decision for us. But, now, this man I wanted to marry and do the million baby thing with is now going to marry someone else and do the million baby thing with her and I want to be sad about it, dammit. I mean, what does it say about me that I'm not?

A friend once said, while I and two others were sitting with her, that she was in the presence of three of the most commitment phobic people she'd ever met. I protested that I had been engaged! That was commitment! I could do it! But then she pointed out that I was no longer engaged. And that I had never even set a date. And she was right. I mean, maybe I was never going to get married to him. Maybe I never will marry anyone. And maybe I'm okay with that idea. But, what does that say about how I felt about this guy? Does the fact that I'm not sad mean that all those feelings I had for almost three years were bullshit? That I really am self-absorbed and self-centered and only in love with myself? That I never loved him like I thought I did? That I never really planned on marrying him? That I am an emotionless hag? That I am strange and weird and inhuman? I don't know. It just seems strange. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. How dumb is that? So dumb. Maybe I will feel sad later. When I'm not on vacation. Maybe not. Maybe it's okay.

I'm totally going to stop thinking about this now. And I'm going to be very happy for him. Because he was once a huge part of my life and is a good guy and deserves to be happy and in love and have a million babies. Or three. And I want that for him. And I will be happy for me because my fat ass does not need vodka and chocolate right now. And because I am happy. And maybe that's all that's meant by me not being upset at the news.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Mommy!
Happy Birthday to you!

Mellow Holidays at Home

Well, most of the excitement seems to have left with Turnip. At this point. Now it's just been much chillin' and errand running with the family. The washing machine went belly up on Tuesday night while I was out causing trouble. Dad thought we wouldn't be able to get another one until after the new year, so I immediately put on my best pouty face. And it worked. Off he went on Wednesday to get a new machine!

Because it is Hawai'i washing machine shopping was a little more complicated than it might be otherwise. Though it's kind of normal out here. Dad bought a used machine for less than half what it cost new and was told it would be here between 4&5 that day. It did not arrive between 4&5 or at any time on that day. While it was not arriving, Dad was doing research. While Consumer Reports rated the machine #2 something or other there were apparently lots of problems with it and a class-action lawsuit regarding the machine. So, on Thursday he called Harry (of Harry's Appliances) to see about getting a different machine, new. Something less fancy. Harry called us back. There was much debate and we ended up going for this other machine. Which was to be delivered at 2PM. And it arrived promptly at 3:30PM. But, we have a brand new washing machine. And I can do all my laundry and pretend I'm home from college or something. I don't know. I don't know why I cared so much about the machine. Maybe just that I packed more gifts than clothes and my jeans were going to stink soon.

I brought a couple Netflix movies with me on this trip and we watched one the other night. The other one is Midnight Express and we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet. Actually, the family keeps trying to decide when exactly would be a good time to watch a Turkish Prison Movie. The best answer so far has come from Dad. He decided an excellent time would be after the Red Sox have beaten the Yankees in the playoffs and then gone on to win the World Series. Because, you'd need a reminder that life could get worse. Like, you could been in a Turkish Prison. My father is the cutest man alive. Just so you know.

On Christmas night we watched Dodgeball and Bad(er) Santa. Mom skipped out on Dodgeball because she'd seen it before and didn't love it quite as much as Dad did. And it was pretty funny. And only encouraged my celebrity crush on Jason Bateman. Something that had been dying out since Teen Wolf Too and resurfacing with Arrested Development. And while I did like Dodgeball, having to explain to my father just what a Dirty Sanchez is was a bit of an awkward moment. Much like I suspect the moment will be when I explain it to my Mom after she reads this. Though maybe she'll just ask Dad or look it up on the magical internet. Anyway, it was fun. And kind of typical for this family.

Actually, I think it was Christmas Eve and we were all hanging on my folks' bed enjoying the air conditioning while pondering what we should do. And we were trying to think of what typical families do for family time. It was harder than we expected. We finally came up with Parcheesi. Which we have now played twice. I have lost both times. I am ashamed. But it was family time. We've also run lots of errands, been to Costco, done the Christmas thing and gone to the beach. All in all a good holiday in Hawai'i.

Now if only my friends here would call so we could hang. 'Cause I'm running out of time! I have tomorrow (my Mom's Birthday) and Tuesday until 8PM or so.

Dammit. I only have two more days. That sucks. I don't wanna go back to New York and my cold apartment and evil job. BAH!

Raining in Paradise

I find it very hard to blog on vacation. I have three entries marinating in my Edit Posts section that I've written in my mind and only made notes on while actually at a computer.

I don't know what it is. I feel like I have lots of free time on vacation, but I can't think of any time I've just been sitting on my ass thinking, 'what on earth can I do now'. But then, I don't feel like I've done three million things. I think I just move at a slower pace here. Or on vacation. Or something. Hawai'i can do that to you. Make you move slower. That hang loose aloha way or something.

Actually, it drives my New York state of mind self batty now. No where more than Longs. It's a drug store. Kind of like Duane Reade in New York. Rite Aid. CVS. Eckerd. That kind of place. Except in Hawai'i you can get three million kinds of mac nuts, fresh mochi, senbei, slippas, Mahalo notecards and Men of Hawai'i calendars. A lovely place. I go at least five times per visit home. I went tonight. With my Dad. And even when it's not crowded you get little traffic jams with people standing around staring at a pack of noodles for five minutes with seven relatives and/or friends hovered around them. Or people with giant shopping carts (it is a drug store, just like Duane Reade, not a grocery store or a giant department store, but they have grocery carts) blocking the tiny aisles. And everyone is just plugging along, waiting patiently for space to clear. And I just want to yell, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!" because patience is a virtue and I am far from virtuous. Though, I guess I never have yelled that at a nice old man using his body and his cart to block two aisles while deciding between beef jerky flavors. I've only done that in my mind. While throttling him. In my mind.

Anyway, I don't remember that bothering me when I lived here. Or even when I'd come back from University breaks. It's only been the last few years that I've stood in line at the check-out counter wanting to quickly explain to the cashier that no one gives a rat's ass as to how much she likes whatever soury/sweet goodness she's bagging for the woman ahead of me and can she just shut up and take her money and get going already! Um, sorry. I'm a bad person and have no Aloha Spirit. Or Southern Charm. Or whatever I used to have that made me swear less in my mind. I don't know. This isn't even what I think I set out to write.

Vacation hurts my brain. Either that or the painful game of Book Lovers Trivial Pursuit my family just failed to finish. We used to think we were a bright family. Until now. Though Dad claims the box says "for book worms" and we are just book readers. My dad is cute. But I actually knew lots of things, just none of the questions they read to me. They even had questions on the fairy porn author as well as one on a transgendered author I read about just this afternoon in Bitch. I kept getting all the dyke author questions right. Think my parents my now be starting to suspect...?

Ooooh, I think the rain might be easing. Wonder if we can see the moon now...

Oh, y'all should email Mom tomorrow if you get a chance. She's turning older tomorrow.

Happy Birthday (early) Mommy!

Busy Holiday Fun Time

Wow are the holidays busy. But mostly in a really fun way. I haven't cried over them at all so far. Woo. Though I did almost sob with joy and love on Saturday. Which is different than tears of frustration.

Thursday was lovely with Vader coming over. She wraps most of my Christmas Gifts each year for which I am eternally grateful. And all I give her is dinner and TV and company and cookies. I feel I get the better deal. Because she also now watches my telenovella with me and translates. And listens to me swoon over the boy I think is cute on the show. God help me. And her.

But, it was great hanging with her before the holidays AND getting all my gifts wrapped.

That day at work was a mixed bag though. Comp day. And one guy in our group who is just a mess got promoted. No one, except probably the 2-3 guys involved in promoting him, can understand WHY he was promoted. Over other people. It makes no sense. That combined with lackluster bonuses for most folks made things a little less happy. But our group did our Secret Santa Holiday party so there was sugar and egg nog and gift giving. Always a plus. I got a Barnes & Noble gift card which is nice, but I think sillier gifts are sometimes fun for work secret santas. That may just be me though.

Friday was a mess. But I expected it to be a mess. I was at work from 8:20AM until 11:30PM working on our Friday report. And I barely had time to pee. Comp day the previous day upset one of our team so much she refused to do much work. Which was sad as it punished me and Lovey more than anyone actually responsible for the dork's promotion and this girl's lack of good bonus. But, Lovey helped out a ton on the year-end report and saved my butt. So I adore her completely this holiday season. She and I also exchanged gifts and both loved what the other got us so yay! And I got to watch Alien at the office and eat dinner and take a car home on the firm's dime. But, that was about it for Friday.

Saturday I was up about 7:30AM so I could finish packing up all the boxes of Christmas presents. Went off to drop off my laundry and then off to the UPS Store to pick up my mail and send out 11 boxes. Luckily I timed it right (though not perfectly) and wasn't there too long. The longest part of my time there was getting all 11 boxes mailed rather than waiting in line. The people behind me hated me though. Whatever. Holidays!

Then off to meet Buzz at Galaxy in Chelsea for brunch. And then to see Kinsey. Which I loved. I thought it was well done and interesting and fun. I kept giggling the whole way through. Which I haven't done in a movie in a while. I also got excited Every Time they mentioned IU or Bloomington because I come from a long line of Hoosiers. And a fun Amanda fact: Mom told me this weekend that my grandparents actually participated in Kinsey's study. How awesome is that? My grandparents' naughty bits influenced the survey in some tiny way. Rock on Nana and Grandpa John. Mom said that Nana claimed to have giggled a lot in her interviews. I just think that's darling. But I loved that the movie and had a great time catching up with B.

Then home for errands and the like.

That night I went over to Muffy and Steph's to meet them and Charlotte and PimpDaddy for holiday drinks and dinner and gift exchanging. I brought my big pile o' gifts and wanted to give them out but Muffy made me wait. Everyone opened all of there stuff and there was cheering and an Ed's Shirt photo op and then Muffy gave me a giant box.

Y'all, my friends (and Mom) got together and got me TiVo. I have no words. It's even the fancy schmancy TiVo/DVD recorder. How cool is that? Seriously. I almost cried. And not just because it was TiVo and I love TiVo. I was just amazed that so many of my friends got together and were so generous and thoughtful like that. I mean, my friends are ALL awesome and that's not surprising. But I get all into birthdays and Christmas more than most and my friends kinda just humor me and enjoy the ride and all. But this was all sweet and Christmasy and required organization and too much money and all that. And it was lovely. And I adore them all. THANK YOU.

And for those who want photos of me petting and hugging the TiVo, I think Muffy has a few. I even made PimpDaddy (sitting next to me) pet the TiVo. Sadly, I did not find the time to set it up that night. But I'm thinking I'll do it on the 30th. Come home and spend all of the 29th clearing the current TiVo and then going mad setting up new TiVo. :) Yay!

Anyway, after that we drank lots of wine and finally got up the courage to try Sam's on Court Street for dinner. It's always looked a little interesting to us. Kind of like there might be certain connections with the restaurant, if you know what I mean and I think you do. But it was fun and I had tasty baked ziti and lots more wine. Woo. Then more wine and then home with my new boyfriend TiVo (with a convenient handle).

That night I stayed up all night cleaning the catbox, washing all my dishes, tidying, packing, setting old TiVo, clearing out email that had to be dealt with, finishing last minute Christmas chores and getting all ready for a week and some change in Hawai'i. I headed to bed about 8AM on Sunday. And then up at 10AM to get ready for my car at 11AM.

The flight was fine. Watched Elf and didn't like it as much as I thought I would. But it killed some time. Got all my veggie meals though the dinner had lots of melted ice on it and was soggy in parts. Awesome, yes? Bah. And I slept about four hours. Even got some Christmas Cards done. Quite a productive 11 hour flight.

Got in a little early and grabbed my folks and my luggage, and got a pretty green holiday lei. Then home for some giggling and hugging and an early bedtime.

Monday I got up early and got to work on my Christmas Cards. I also persuaded my Daddy to make me coffee and waffles and had a nice breakfast with him. Then I got a bunch of cards done before Turnip came to pick me up. We're both here for nine days, but sadly only two of those days overlapped. So, she kinda got dibs on me for Monday and Tuesday. I don't think Mom was happy, but she dealt with it.

Turnip and I went to meet Zig and a couple of their friends for lunch at Sam Choy's Breakfast, Lunch and Crab. It was fun seeing Zig again after about 10 years. But mostly Turnip and co caught up. Which was fun to see.

Then off for some late afternoon beach time at Magic Island at Ala Moana Beach park. So nice to lay in the sun and giggle. Mom called me at one point to see what was up and all. And about five minutes after I hung up, Turnip's mom called her to see what was up. We laughed at that. And felt a little younger than 28 and 30.

Then home to shower and change and chat with the 'rents. Mom made veggie sausage balls for me again this year so we had those and some artichoke things, read Pumpkin's Christmas letter, talked for a few and then headed out to dinner.

We hadn't been to Old Spaghetti Factory in a million years and it was a common dinner spot for us in high school. The wait was long and for the first time ever we waited in the bar with drinks!!!! Very exciting. I really am 30. I KNOW it doesn't sound like it most of the time, but I am. I've been an adult for ages. Really! Anyway, chilled in the bar upstairs. Where I had actually never been before. We finally got our tables and got the standard spaghetti with mizithra cheese, garlic cheese bread and Italian Sodas. Good times. Though, we forgot to take our Italian Soda glasses with us when we left. Alas.

Then it was off to Waikiki for some fun shopping. David & Goliath and Lush BOTH have stores down there. And D&G only has like two locations anywhere. And Turnip doesn't have a Lush near her so we had to go. Got a couple fun things for us and for others and then headed down to Duke's to see a friend of Turnip's that she's been catching up with a lot lately. We grabbed him and then decided to harass Pumpkin's brother who also works there. I did NOT want to do this. Just so y'all (especially Pumpkin) know. He did not recognize us (of course!) and then did not seem happy to see us. So we left. And Turnip took my tired butt home so I could sleep.

Tuesday I was up doing cards again. Also more waffles and coffee with Daddy. Sadly this has not become a routine. Turnip came for me around 11 and we set off on a Circle Island Tour of O'ahu. It was cloudy most of the day and raining hard for a good portion. Which was sad. We got some cool overcast beach photos of Kaneohe Bay though. And had lunch at the Crouching Lion Inn complete with Guava juice and Macadamia Nut Cream Pie. Yum. And then another photo op for the waves at Shark's Cove. Very cool crashing on the rocks.

Turnip hadn't gotten much sleep the night before so in the afternoon we parked it on the beach by Kaena Point so she could nap and I could look at all the planes flying in and out of Dillingham Airfield. Plus huge wave watching. And watching the strange man peeing in the bushes down the way. Strange, attractive man... Then off to her place to shower and make pretty.

We had dinner at Chiang Mai because I love that place and apparently, TURNIP HAS NEVER BEEN!!! Went there a lot in high school and college as well. Good Thai food. Too much Thai food. Then off to Murphy's for drinks with some other friends from high school like jello girl and Goober. It was fun catching up and telling stories and all that. The high school folks left fairly early and Turnip's friend showed up right then. So back into the bar for two hours of shop talk. I almost took a nap at one point. They seemed really into the conversation so I tried very hard to not be an asshole but wow was I bored. She finally looked at her phone and saw the time and wrapped up that conversation pronto.

Then off to Eggs 'n Things in Waikiki. It's kind of like a Denny's or IHOP but ONLY serving breakfast food. And more often than not you'll see a long line to get in. It's a strange phenomenon to me. But there was no line and it was 12:30 and we had been drinking and eggs and pancakes sounded AWESOME. And they were. Plus it's just a fun kinda local place. After that we said goodbye to Turnip's friend down the block and headed home.

Wednesday was mellower. My folks humored me as I spent all morning finishing my Christmas Cards. And now, they are DONE!!!! Then we watched the previous night's episode of Amazing Race. Dad had a hard time with my pure non-spoiler policy of the show (do not even speak to me of a single detail that I have not yet seen or feel the wrath) and left early on. But Mom and I screeched our way through the whole thing and loved it. Such a good show.

Then some hanging. My family spends a LOT of time online. The whole family. But with only two computers I am often the odd woman out (hence this long ass entry now). But they do try to give me some online time. Which is nice. Anyway. We wrapped the day up with dinner in front of the TV watching Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?. An excellent movie. But depressing. We snarked a little through it, but it's so good. And Elizabeth Taylor is so my girlfriend. Too bad she seems a loon these days because she was such a brilliant actress if you ask me.

And that's that for now. Sun is out so maybe I can hit the beach.

Busy, busy, busy

Hee.

I am a bad blogger. But, it's the holidays and the end of the year wrap-up at work and the time when all my friends are around and in town and having parties and so on and so forth. Life is good and great and wonderful. And far less stressful now that I'm prioritizing properly. But it doesn't leave as much time to babble endlessly about myself. It's the season of giving and love and whatnot, not narcissism. Right? So, forgive me. Once I get to Hawai'i I can annoy all y'all endlessly with tales of the beach. And the napping. And the awesome veggie sausage ball making skills of my madre. Good times.

But until then I have Muffy making me shop for 8+ hours to the point where my lower body still hurts. I have Vader keeping me company and wrapping my gifts while translating my new obsession for me (the Spanish Language Soap Opera). I have lots of new graduates from Wesleyan/Alpha Delta Phi visiting and asking for career advice (which I suck at since I can't even find me a job I like). I have Christmas Cards I can't seem to send out and cookies and bourbon balls and fudge that co-workers are inhaling (Muffy & Steph - I still have some for you). I have lots of brunches and fun things. Boxes to mail. Apartments to clean. Bills to pay. Trips to pack for. TiVo (temperamental old TiVo) to set. And so on and so forth. But it's all fun. And listing things out isn't even upsetting me. Hee. Too much Britney Spears Christmas Music rotting my brain I guess.

Anyway. More later. But sporadic more.

Woo.

So tired

Last night was just weird. So many strange people at my company. I had to drink a lot to survive. And it still wasn't enough.

I think the highlight was when my boss and our big group leader decided to sit next to me to eat their dinner. Horrifying. We made awful small talk. And then... Rock Star Fran and I were sharing a few plates of food for dinner. At one point my boss leaned over and started eating our pasta with vodka sauce. And he finished it right up. Fran and I just looked on in awe. Finally they left and I ran for another drink.

It was not a stellar party. The Trammps played for some reason. And while I do like Disco Inferno there was just too much damn disco played last night. Though Fran and another temp at work, Ace, did make me dance. At one point Ace and I were the ONLY ONES on the dance floor dancing to Copacabana (because the party was AT the Copa). And there was some interesting conversation. But mostly my coworkers scare me. Especially the drunk ones I have to get in a car and get home who then don't come to work the following day due to their hangover... I think going to the party every other year is a good call. Though maybe I won't be here next year.

I did make friends with the other guy in our car and the driver was nice as well. One from Ghana and one from Egypt. Very chatty. I apparently give off a very friendly car vibe. Go figure.

I'm an ancient crone.

So... a friend of mine and I were chatting on the phone last night. And he managed to make me feel like an old lady. Talking about 'older women' (basically women in their 30s and possibly even, gasp!, older). How they all have their biological clocks ticking and they all want to get married. How you have to be leery of dating them because there's no time to date them and relax because they're just hungry for a husband and babies. Apparently he feels I'm different because I'm all take it or leave it about marriage. "You're just eh about marriage. 'Maybe I'll get married, maybe I won't. It's not going to happen soon...'". But I'm still in the same age group as these older women. And I'm not like other women (me being 'not like other girls' is a rant for another day.)

Also, older women (us 30something gals again) can sometimes relax when they find out they can sleep with younger guys and feel all bad ass about themselves.

"So, you're saying that us older gals find validation in sleeping with younger guys?"

"Yeah."

"Putz!"

In my head: "Heaven forbid we do it because younger guys are a lot better in bed than your sorry ass. No, no, no. We do it because we're old and haggard and have to find validation in boys and men and marriage and breeding."

(Daddy, this is all hypothetical as I have no idea how boys of any age are in bed. This is all just based on what I've heard and my righteous feminist ire.)

I don't know. It just annoyed me. Even though he kept insisting I was different and all, it made me angry I don't like this idea of women needing to mate and breed and be reassured of who we are largely by who we can woo into bed and con into marriage. And it also made me feel old. Well, no. I don't feel old. It made me feel that I'm in a group that is now considered old. That there are people out there who think that about me. And it pissed me off.

Putz.

Dancing Economists

So, the department Christmas party is tonight. I work at a big bank. In the Equity Research Department. With the Economics Team. So, I work with the geeks of the geeks of the geeks. It does not get much geekier than my coworkers. And we're not talking like geek chic hipster technology kinda geek that's so popular these days. No. We're talking people who have a hard time interacting with other people and who also have a hard time operating their computers so they don't talk to ANYONE well, in person or electronically. And watching them fake social activity is truly an experience. When I first started with this group we'd have happy hours with the Strategists. And I would have to drink heavily to survive it. Because, while math may get me hot, I ain't got nothin' on the dork/geek of these folks. Tonight will be an experience. I will stand in near the bar with my small posse of friends and make fun of everyone until I've had enough to drink. And then, I will dance. Among the scary geek dancers who make Elaine Benes look good. You wish you were me. You wish you had my rock star life.

I'm bummed though. Sheena, Lovey and I figured we'd get all dolled up for tonight just because. No real reason. We just did. Pumpkin and I even shopped for a cute top for me for tonight. And I kinda hoped everything would pull together nicely. I like things to match; nails to clothes to jewelry to bag to hair things to underwear and so on. And I had a plan. And it did not work. The hair is blah, the make up isn't working, my face is breaking out and I think the toenails clash with the top. And I'm not sure the top works with the pans. At least the top looks cute and does match the jewelry. I just don't look very pretty. And I wanted to look pretty. Ah well. I'll have a camera and there will be an open bar an a Rock Star Fran. I'll make it all work.

COOKIES!!!

I just made lots and lots of egg nog cookies. And I have to say, I was so happy making them. In my tank top and shorts with my TWoP Sopranos apron on, the kitchen smelling like lemon and sugar and nutmeg, my computer playing all my favorite Christmas songs, bopping around baking and tormenting my kitties. It was awesome. And the cookies turned out well, if maybe a little dry. Hopefully everyone else will enjoy them. Because my cooking is ALL FOR YOU!!!!

I also got my secret santa gift wrapped and ready to go. Not the gift exchange one but the one where you answer a child's letter to santa. Pumpkin and I had fun shopping for the 11 year old girl I got. I wasn't able to get her everything she asked for (pants, shirt, CD player, lipstick, hair accessories and a diary), but I did get her an adorable pair of jeans, a cute top and a really pretty pink diary. Hopefully she likes it.

I love Christmas.

COOKIES FOR YOU!!!!!!

I need to go to bed now.

Shopping

Pumpkin and I just had our annual Christmas Shopping Weekend. It started in college when I'd join her and her aunt in Branford, CT for Thanksgiving weekend. Neither one of us could fly home to Hawai'i just for the long weekend and she didn't want us to be homeless so we'd have a great dinner with her and spend the rest of the weekend shopping and watching movies. A great fall break. And now, I go to Boston to spend the weekend with Pumpkin and do our shopping and such. We hit the Malls. We get out photos taken. It's a good time. We haven't had our photo taken with Santa in a while as the line has always been a mess. But we did get our photo taken in the Limited Too at a photo booth so all was not lost.

Pumpkin and I are awesome shoppers. Most people are frightened by our mad shopping skillz. And the fact that we can shop all day quite happily. We were trying to figure out why this is while trolling the malls on Saturday. It certainly didn't come from my parents. Mom and Dad hate shopping. Dad likes buying things and researching big purchases but he doesn't seem to like shopping so much. And Mom just hates it. Though, I do find that some people who don't like shopping like doing it with me.

Pumpkin and I were thinking that it's partially because we're relaxed about it. We know in our heads who we need to shop for and don't make everything all tense and planned out. We like browsing and seeing what looks good. We have similar taste in a lot of things and also know how to look for things that the other might like even if we don't. We keep in mind when the other person might be bored and we're good about entertaining ourselves while the other is browsing for something we might not care about. We giggle and gossip as much as look and shop and buy. It's just a lot of fun spending hours with a friend roaming around saying, "So Cute!" every five minutes. We hardly notice the crowds and the cranky shoppers, unless they're just begging to be mocked. I find lots of purple things for her and she keeps an eye out for pink and red for me. She tolerates my need to hug TiVo every time we walk into Best Buy. And I try not to make too much fun of her every year when we have to go into Brookstone's so she can lay on the Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System mattress they have out. This year they hid it in the back of the store so we thought it was gone. Until I hear someone calling my name. And I turn around to find her head peeking above a ledge (behind which is the mattress she's laying on) informing me, "I found it!". Heh. So Cute!

Anyway, it was a great weekend. Lots of good shopping and some damage done to my Christmas list. Fun brunch at Johnny D's and Soundbytes. Dinner at a tapas place with great food, good sangria and the Worst Service Ever. Visiting with Pumpkin and Fishboy and lots of pets including the most adorable Border Collie puppy ever as well as cute cats and a teeny, tiny kitten who liked running around more than she liked playing with me. Sadly.

But, it was an awesome weekend and I feel much less stressed than I did on Friday. Though I'm now a bit tired. But it is a Monday morning and all.

Thanks for the great time, Pumpkin!

Advice

"Is it tacky to make address labels for xmas cards?"

Absolutely not. It's a great time saver and makes the post office very happy. It's what my mother does. So you know it has to be acceptable.

I personally like handwriting mine because I like writing out each person's name and noting all the different places where I send holiday cards. But that's just a personal quirk of mine.

The Night Muppet Met Matt Damon

Muppet and Mr. Muppet went to Peter Luger's with Brother Muppet this past Monday while Brother Muppet was visiting New York for the holidays. He's from Washington state and was enjoying the utter fabulousness of the New York atmosphere.

While outside and about to go into the restaurant a black escalade pulls up and Matt Damon gets out. Brother Muppet gets excited and points this out to Muppet and Mr. Muppet. They make a note of him and go in. Brother Muppet stays to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm Brother Muppet." "Hi, I'm Matt." *handshake* Good times. Then Brother Muppet holds the door open for Matt. And in his excitement to follow Matt in, Brother Muppet steps on the back of Matt's shoe and trips him. Luckily Matt only stumbles and does not actually fall down.

Then, in the restaurant Matt comes up behind Muppet. And she just backs right up into him. Poor Matt. Beaten up by the Muppets. He takes it all in stride and everyone goes off to have dinner in separate rooms. Matt, of course, was seated first.

After a lovely dinner Matt and a companion come in to the room in which the Muppets are dining and talks to someone at another table. The Muppets are done and getting ready to leave and Brother Muppet decides he needs a photo. Matt is very gracious (and possibly inebriated) and poses for the photo. Then, he heads to the rest room. Where Muppet is standing. And walks right by the men's room and heads for the ladies. Muppet very politely points out that he might not want to do that. "Uh, Matt, that's the ladies room." He makes note of that and then asks Muppet if she'd like to join him in the ladies room. She points out that her husband (Mr. Muppet) is right there so she's going to have to say no. And then the Muppets depart. And as wonderful as Mr. Muppet is, we all wish for a moment that Muppet was not married. So we could have an even better ending to this tale. 'Cause come on, who wouldn't do Matt in the ladies room of Peter Luger's if the opportunity just presented itself? Right?

Note: Apparently Mr. Damon is quite good looking and taller than expected in person. In case you're interested in that sort of thing.

I'm Okay. Really

People are very sweet. The seven or so of you who read this and worry. I'm not losing my mind or anything. I'm just a little frustrated and overwhelmed. But I'll be okay. The emails and kind words were very sweet and greatly appreciated though.

This blogging thing is kind of weird to me in it's one-sidedness. People read this and know what I've done during the week or what mood I'm in or what random thoughts are going through my head. And they'll refer to it or send me a sweet email or taunt me about the Red Sox or something. But it's not knowledge they gained from a conversation so I don't necessarily know how their week is going or what they're up to or thinking about or feeling. And I feel horribly self-absorbed and selfish then. Because I am a dork. It just kind of throws me. I'm used to being observant and while I babble a lot I don't really talk about meaningful things or useful things about me. I don't think. So I'm used to knowing lots about OTHER people and feeling a little like people don't know about me. But here, I go on and on and on and on and on and on about me. And people read it. And then things seem reversed. Which is kind of the point. I started this as a writing exercise and a way for me to be a little bit more open about myself. Because I feel like I close myself off to most people who aren't my parents. And I don't know how healthy that is. Plus, I am rather in love with myself so the hearty dose of narcissism involved in personal blogging (and blogging in general, really) makes me happy.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I'm stressed and busy and a little frustrated, but doing okay and managing to get things done (if not ALL things done) and having a good time as well. Thank you very much for your concern.

Frustration

So. I made a metric ton of fudge last night. Well, figuratively. I did make a lot though. Seven or eight pounds of fudge is a lot, right? Anyway, I made it and am happy. Because it's December 2nd and my holiday baking (though technically fudge making isn't baking) has begun. And I have my Christmas Cards purchased. And am making progress with my to do list. Woo. Now I just need to write my damn Christmas Letter. Maybe I could just piece something together over the past year of blog entries...

ARGH. I'm just so knotted up and stressed right now and amazingly enough none of it has to do with the holidays. Well, aside from the fact that all the work and other assorted stress is taking away time and energy that should be going into my big holiday fun plans. I really wish I knew how to manage my stress better and not let it get me all knotted up. I guess it's not even stress. It's more frustration. With things I have to do and shouldn't have to do. With incompetence at work and elsewhere. With having to do unpleasant things. When really all I want is to be on a beach in Hawai'i singing Christmas songs with friends and family. And so I just let it build until I kind of hate the world and feel stressed and tired and frustrated and in the mood for nothing. Which makes me even less productive than I normally would be. Bah.

I don't know. I'm a mess. I should just eat some fudge.

No Nudity Burlesque

Apparently, I feel safer with my attack cat on my pillow, wrapped around my head. I figure she'll see the imaginary spiders first and kill them and I will be all better. You'll all be relieved to know that last night, after an initial bit of mild hysteria, I calmed down and slept just fine in my bed. With no spider attacks. And eventually allowed my attack cat to roam around the apartment on her own. To pretty much attack the non-attack cat. Poor non-attack cat. Though, actually, the non-attack cat will sometimes attack the attack cat. So she can hold her own.

Ugh. I will not be that girl who babbles about her cats. Any more than I already have.

Last night I went with Muppet to see a performance of the dance troupe she works with. Which was interesting. But first we went Christmas Card shopping (yay, one thing to cross off the to do list) and got me some sassy and some sedate cards to send out this year. Muppet was amazed at how much I'm willing to spend for my Christmas fetish. And I sorta felt a little embarrassed about it. But whatever. I love doing the cards and letters and getting them and the holidays and tra la la la la. Then we grabbed dinner and off to The Slipper Room for the show.

The place was really cute. Small stage but a fun atmosphere. And we got a table right in the front. For the Burlesque. Sadly, there were no boobies. There seems to be a trend in New York lately of not so sexy and/or not so naked Burlesque. Burlesque with a statement. Which I guess is sorta what burlesque does, with the mocking and the funny. But there should be naked and sexy along with it I thought. Maybe not. Or maybe it's just the people I know who do non-naked, not so sexy burlesque. I don't know. ANYWAY...

Some of the pieces were ones I saw back in March. Some were new. And like when I saw this group in March, some of the pieces I liked, some I did not and most were a little on the odd side. They did a Twister themed dance that was okay, but I LOVED the costumes for it. Made completely out of ribbon, tulle and Twister games. And there's one with a french song and lots of hand gesture stuff that I kind of like. There was one that I found interesting. To the song that goes, "If I knew you were coming, I'd've baked a cake, baked a cake, baked a cake..." They started out in ruffled bottoms with bread roll bikini tops. They put crisco and eggs and flour and water all over themselves and in a bowl, made dough, took off their tops (facing AWAY from the audience), covered their breasts with dough and lay back down in the positions they started in. Anyway, I had a fun time with Muppet and am glad I went. Even if sleep probably would've been the wiser plan for the evening. But hopefully that will be tonight. After the to do list and possible fudge making...

I Hate Spiders

So, last night. Found Gray Hair #2. It was in my hairbrush after my shower. Taunting me. Just sitting there all silvery and evil. It's waiting to be taped up next to Gray Hair #1 on my desk. I was very upset. Rightfully so. And still am. Any day now my skin will shrivel and I will be an old, gray-haired, wrinkly fat woman with whom no one will ever sleep again (not that anyone has ever slept with me before now, Daddy). A gray hair on my 30th and now another one just five months later. This is NOT a good sign. It's going to be all gray in no time. With wrinkles and liver spots and arthritis. ARGH!!!! My teeth will fall out in 2005 won't they? I tried to express my extreme unhappiness to Turnip and my Mother and they were not really sympathetic. So I eventually logged off and went to bed to dream of the topless boys from my new obsession, the telenovella. Don't judge me. I'm old and gross. And tired.

See, I fell asleep last night around 1AM. Despite the gray hair never having sex again (I mean ever and not again, Daddy) stress. But was awakened at 2AM on the dot. I'm not sure what woke me up, because I don't remember hearing anything or having any kind of a dream before the spider. But I sort of woke up and saw a very large (tarantula sized but not hairy) red and black spider with rather pointy looking legs. It was dangling right by my head, dangling from a thread attached to the top bar of my canopy I think. I'm not sure. It was very dark and I was asleep. I didn't freak or scream or run from the room, which is my normal reaction to large bugs within 10 yards of me. I did quickly and efficiently get out of bed and turn on the overhead light, rather than reaching past the spider and turning on the light right by my bed.

Now, I'm pretty sure this wasn't a real spider. I've never seen one like it. It did have a bit of a horror movie special effect quality about it. It's winter and too cold for spiders. I think. I've never seen a hairless spider that big before. I've NEVER seen a spider that big and right in front of me outside of some kind of science experience. Also, my initial reactions were far more rational and dreamlike than I normally behave. The first, and only, time I saw a mouse in an apartment of mine I freaked to the point of going to a friend's place for the night. The shrieks from when I saw a cockroach swimming in my bath with me could be heard from several houses away. Pumpkin (or was it Tangerine?) still laughs about this time she was with me when I saw a cockroach and freaked out beyond all reason. So getting out of bed all calm and such is NOT me. Not real me. It's more dream me. Also, I could see no evidence of a web anywhere in my apartment and found no evidence of a thread or web or anything on my bed frame that could've been supporting a spider right by my head. And, I couldn't see the spider anywhere. The cats didn't react at all to any of this. And they LOVE bug chasing, especially DKE.

I had mostly convinced myself that it was a dream spider and was about ready to try and get back to sleep. And then I noticed how gross my Barbie's hair was. I have some silk leis, tae kwon do ties and a South Park Kenny doll (killed by hanging) hanging on the bars of my bed's headboard (for lack of a better word). And a Barbie. Long story. But I picked her up to look at her nasty hair and pondered throwing her away before bed when I noticed something in her pleather skirt. At first I thought the fabric was aging weirdly. Then I realized it was an insect sack of some kind. I don't know anything about bugs & spiders other than hating them so I have no idea if it was moth sack or spider egg sack or what. I don't know how old it was, though it was dry and flat and I think older rather than newer. But that just sent my mind reeling. What could it be? Could the giant spider have emerged from it? ACK!!!! Dude, I basically then called my Mommy. Which kind of helped, but not entirely. So, I curled up on my couch. And read. And freaked out a little. And freaked out a lot when DKE suddenly acted interested in some imaginary nonsense under the couch. And didn't really fall asleep again until about 6AM. And now, I want to cry. Or take a nap. Or both.

PLEASE do something to reassure me that the spider wasn't real. I really, really want to sleep in my bed tonight.

You're Silk and I'm Stalking You

Did y'all know that Silk Stalkings was out on DVD? The first season? I'm so excited I could pee myself. What did I do to deserve such complete and utter happiness? I really want to run out and buy it now, but I fear someone, or a million someones, might get it for me for Christmas. Unless everyone assumes that someone else will be getting it for me and then no one gets it for me. At which point I will run out and get it for myself I guess. Oh happy day. I have almost all the episodes on tape from USA but not all. And now on DVD. I can't believe I didn't know this until now.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Math is Sexy

Lovey and I just had a wonderful lunch and I'm much happier. And it probably isn't just the wine. I don't think. It was the Olive Garden so the food was okay. But we had a fabulous conversation, all about some of my favorite things like theatre, acting classes, feminism, vaginas and girls who dig math. Her dad was a math teacher and was all about getting more girls into the subject. So he is now a personal hero of mine. And she has agreed to join the Math is Sexy Club that Spanky and I started. Because she's a geeky logic puzzle lover and math fiend as well. So very cool. We also plan on starting acting classes together soon.

It was just a nice afternoon long lunch with wine and good conversation. I really need to do that more often. Maybe we will. We both have Thanksgiving Resolutions to be more positive and all. Wine and long lunches will help.

Happy almost Turkey Day, you big turkeys

Gah! It's the day before Thanksgiving and everyone I've talked to today has been in a gloomy mood. Including me, now. We're all supposed to be celebrating our bosses' absences and reveling in thanks and future feasting. What's up with everyone? I, as always, blame George Bush and the Red Sox. My eternal scapegoats now.

I don't know though. Everyone is pissy. It's kind of annoying. I'm trying not to let them all drag me down with them. I have lots to be thankful for and tomorrow I get to spend the whole day at home in my pjs with my kitties and phone calls to/from family. And today is quiet. Friday will be more so. Life is good. Everyone else is insane. :) Lovey and I will just go to the Olive Garden and drink wine and giggle. Good times. Woo.

New York Life

My garbage man is hot. Really hot. Is that the correct terminology? Should it be Sanitation Worker these days? I can do that. My sanitation worker is really, really hot. It's so nice to see a really hot guy first thing upon leaving my apartment. Looking all foxy grabbing my garbage cans. Ew. that sounded gross. But you know what I mean. So, how does one go about landing one's sanitation worker? Any suggestions? I don't have the first idea about how to do this. I mean, should I leave him sexy notes in the trash? But how will he know they're from me and not one of my apartment mates? And how do I know he'll get my trash each time? Maybe I should just start out by looking good on trash day and hiding in my apartment until I hear the trucks and then leer at him on my way to work? Again, suggestions are welcome. Please.

I also have a hot cop who lives next door to me. So very sexy. Sadly he appears to have a very cute live in girlfriend. Depressing.

I think I'm ovulating.

So, Saturday I met up with Lovey, Iolanthe and Iolanthe's friend at her friend's apartment right off Central Park West for TV and dinner. We ate too much and watched a lot of Charlie's Angels episodes. Including the pilot and one of my favorite episodes ever, Pretty Angels All in a Row. The girls go undercover at an Iowa beauty pageant and it's one of the funniest things ever. Though the pageant song gets stuck in my head for days afterwards. "Hi There/Hello/We're glad that you could show/for the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant"

Anyway, on the way home the F was all messed up so I took the A to Hoyt-Schermerhorn to switch to the G. Good times. It took forever for the G to Bergen to come through. FOREVER. All the other trains came through. Several times. While I sat there with my iPod and my Entertainment Weekly wondering if I'd make it to bed before 3AM. Finally, the G comes by and the entire platform rejoices. Sorta. We get on the train and the conductor or driver (I think the driver) makes an announcement. "To all the people giving me the finger as we pulled into the station, we were held up at the previous station so the police could remove an armed suspect from the train. We apologize that the train was late so I could risk my life to get to you." Or something to that effect. It was kinda creepy to think that someone was armed and on the train one stop prior, but mostly it just made me laugh. I love New York so much. That a whole platform of people would flip off a late train. That there would be an armed suspect on the train. That the driver would get (probably justifiably) pissy about it and snark to everyone over the PA. So awesome.

I do love the New York MTA Subway PA system. Half the time you can't even hear anyone because it's so crappy. And occasionally the conductor just sounds sad and beat down. But sometimes it's fun. Like one guy on my morning commute. He has a great Indian accent and is so cheerful. He tells everyone to have a great day and gives ALL the details for every stop (transfers and locations and next stops and such). Sometimes he cracks jokes and all. It's nice to hear in the morning when I don't have my earphones in. One time on the way home one of the conductors was asking if anyone was an engineer and if so, could they please hop on the task of creating a working PA system for the MTA. The best, was a personal one. I was sorta seeing a driver/operator on the 1/9 for a while. Which was my regular train. So, sometimes I'd hop on the train he was operating. Actually, my apartment was one stop from the end so every now and then his train would be heading downtown on the opposite side and he'd honk and holler and tell me to wait for his train to come around in a few mintues. Heh. Once I got on the train at the back but saw him and waved as the train was pulling in. There wasn't time before my stop to make it to the front of the train to say hi so I stayed put. But as I was getting off the train at my stop (which he knew was my stop because that's where I almost always got off when I wasn't heading to work) he said, "Bye, Amanda" over the PA. Hee.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Lovey is working on her Christmas Gift lists. And she suggested I work on mine. So I've busted out Christmas04.xls and am having a lovely time at work. That plus the coffee have just brightened my mood considerably. I have so much to do. But I think if I get going early enough, like before December, I can manage things much better and be like my super together Mom rather than the crazy lady making her friends drag boxes to the post office on December 20something in a blizzard. I think there will be more cookies this way too. And I'll be more prepared by the time the annual Pumpkin/Amanda Christmas shopping extravaganza rolls around. December 4th this year, kinda late in the season for us, but we have social lives and work. And I have my goal of spending at least one whole month this year in New York.

So... anyone who reads this and knows how to contact me: feel free to drop me a line and let me know if you want on the card list (and aren't already), the gift list (and have a Christmas Wishlist for me?), or the cookie list (recommendations and the desire to have them sent/brought to you are both welcome). Now is the time. Woo.

I love Christmas. So exciting. Such a loser. Gah.

Not much else going on in my brain right now. Work sucks, insomnia is in full force, the cat box is scaring me and the cold weather is making me sad. And today or tomorrow I'm going to have to swing by Macy's for closed toed comfy winter shoes and a coat that has working pockets and buttons and zippers. I'm so hopeless when it comes to winter. Even after 12 years of it. It's like I truly think if I ignore it then it will go away. And this hasn't happened yet. I don't learn too well it seems. Maybe I just need to move back to Hawai'i. I don't know.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg...

Faceplant

My coworkers (as well as the temp in the area) are in agreement. It would apparently be very, very funny if I faceplanted into my keyboard, breaking my nose and deleting all my files. Can you feel the love from my office coming through the monitor and into your heart? I think so. I'm just so tired right now. I could not sleep last night. Lots of weird thoughts and all. And then that bad, bad cat DKE went completely mad. She just decided to jump at shadows and run back and forth the length of the apartment as fast as her little kitty legs would allow. Loudly. While good cat Nani and I just scowled at her. So I am rather useless today. Which is fine. As I have already had my review. So who cares? Yes.

My parents called this morning. To chat. From Florida. Where they were waiting for a drawbridge to rise or lower or whatever. Good times. They're off touring around and having a blast. Though Dad does agree that I'm an excellent navigator and he wished I were there. So sweet. He and I will kick some butt when we finally make it on to The Amazing Race. I hope. We have our tape ready. We made it back in September. I think we should remake it in December if we don't have to submit it before then. We both acted kind of dorky and got into a little argument about whether or not I live on Long Island. I mean, I guess, technically Brooklyn is on Long Island but I live in Brooklyn, not Long Island. So, this little debate is captured on tape. As is Dad telling the camera what a great navigator and traveler I am. But lately they've been having worse and worse travelers on and the casting team seems fond of people who CAN'T read maps so I don't think he should play me up like that. Ah well. We'll see. Mom thought it was cute.

Anyway, they're having a blast seeing friends and going to Busch Gardens and all. And soon will be going to EPCOT. Without me. Which makes me sad. But Mom says it's better to be young and young and young than old and retired and able to get away for Florida vacations. Though Dad isn't retired yet. Just a pilot with a fun pilot schedule. Though this trip isn't nearly as bad as when they went to China with me. Why do people keep going on fun trips without me. I might start to get a complex if this keeps up.

Shut-In

I'm starting to wonder if the internet is ruining my people skills. I find I'm doing more online via email and instant messaging than I used to. And I tend to go that route for communicating with people rather than just picking up the phone and making a call. I still like hanging out with people and am making tons of plans and all. But I set up those plans through email. And when I try to catch up with people I just write them an email rather than picking up the phone.

Now that can be handy. It's easier to email a bunch of folks for group plans than it is to get them all on the phone. And if I want to catch up with someone at 3AM, an email is certainly more considerate. But, that's not always the case. Sometimes I just want to grab dinner with one friend. Or catch up with someone during a slow day at work or on a Sunday afternoon. And then, the phone might make more sense.

I think I do like the multitasking aspect of it. When I'm chatting online or emailing I can do lots of other things. But when I do that on the phone I find I can't concentrate on the call or the other tasks as well. Weird. I think I might want to work on that. I really don't want to be heading down a slippery slope towards complete recluse.

Though I haven't been a recluse this weekend. Friday was dinner with Lovey, Muppet, Mr. Muppet, Muffy, Steph and even Monkey Man bothered to join us. We were trying for Otto, but the wait was an hour and a half and we couldn't get a table for wine and cheese ahead of time. With a group of six, soon to be seven, that's not a fun time. We were crammed around a pillar for about 15 minutes when we decided to say screw it and head towards an Indian place in the 'hood. And got sidetracked by a Pizzeria Uno. We're all so very classy. But onion petals, beer and pizza worked out pretty well and I had a good time. And some very random conversation. Which I will not repeat here. So I can try to stop the stem of inappropriate searches leading people here. So, then Muffy, Steph and I headed to Maggie's Birthday/Go Red Sox party in the slope. I only went for the birthday portion as I blame this Red Sox win for everything bad in life since that day.

It was okay. I think I was a little too tired to have a blast. And I got sucked into some conversations that were not Happy Manda Making. But Maggie's cat is adorable and sweet and fuzzy and soft and I went off to play with her for a bit. And I finally saw Maggie's place and caught up with her a little. I finally headed out about 2 or so with M &S.

Sadly I had to get up before 9AM on Saturday for my Fresh Direct delivery. Ugh. I would've gone for a later time, but there were afternoon plans. Vadar's birthday is Wednesday and she had a birthday lunch on Saturday. Which was excellent . There was a ton of lunch stuff at her place and then about six hours of Arrested Development episodes. She and Taylor are obsessed with the show and each got the DVD the day it was released. She got me a copy as well as an early Christmas present. Which is awesome. It really is a fabulous show and Muff and Steph had never seen it. I tried explaining some of it to Muffy once while I was wearing my Annyong Hermano shirt and I just didn't do it justice. The fact that I kept cracking up every other sentence couldn't've helped either. Anyway, they got to see it for the first time and now they feel the love. Oh yeah, baby. I hope that the show gets better ratings this season. It's oh so good. Anyway, on top of the awesome TV there were chips and sandwiches and beer and wine and soda and banana splits and fun people and a good time was had by all. I think. Certainly by me.

"Space Cowboy" by 'NSync just came up on my iTunes. Heh. I have no taste in anything. Ooooh, now the Solid Gold theme song. Oh yeah.

Now I'm just fussing around my apartment alternating spurts of super productivity with some ass sitting and kitty loving. I'm such a rock star. I actually did a little backyard work. Though I need to do more. The ivy on one fence is covering part of the walkway and easing into the yard. And the roses have gone mad. With the recent rain and current warm weather I'm sure. I think that's a project for next weekend or the following. I'd rather the ivy be a little less leafy before I attack it. Does Ivy get less leafy in the winter? I'm useless with my yard.

Anyway, gotta go rockout to my ELO/Xanadu soundtrack. Like the stud I am. And purchase my America Is Scary T-shirt.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

So tired. People are mean and keep making me go out and stuff. It's horrible. My life is very, very hard. I tried to convince Monkey Man of this today. And suggested he be nice to me because of it. And he just mocked me. So mean.

Last night was a bit of music. Lovey and I went to see Iolanthe and Lovey's boyfriend perform in/lead one of the pieces at the The Lark Ascending's most recent event. Parts of it were enjoyable, parts of it were dull, parts of it were really, really long. Iolanthe was lovely and looked fabulous. I wish I could've heard her better, but another performer was quite loud which made that a bit of a problem. It was still fun and it was nice getting to meet Lovey's man. I now know he exists. Which means I have to stop putting quotes around his name. Which makes me sad. I think the fun of meeting him outweighs the sad of losing the quotes though.

I had forgotten how pretentious performers and their patrons can seem though. I'm a theatre major/actressy type and I can totally bring the drama. I know this. But that's not who I hang out with these days so I kind of forgot that I'm not the most melodramatic person on the planet. There are folks out there who take it to whole new levels. Some of the faces some of these folks were making while speaking or reading or singing or taking their bows were pretty precious. It made me smile.

In other EXCITING news, I had my work review yesterday. And it kind of played like a High School Guidance Counselor session. We spent 1-2 minutes actually reviewing my year's performance. While Lovey and I both agree that my attitude has worsened over this year, my bosses feel I am much improved with that over the previous year and overall think I do a fabulous job. Though I tend to 'lose focus' from time to time on tasks that are boring and repetitive. Which I agree with. And which I actually said (I just typed that as sed because I am a moron) in my self evaluation. All very unexciting. Then we moved on to how I need to come up with career goals so we can all work to find a job or a career path, with the company, for me to follow. It was all really odd. I don't know what to make of it. I don't think I want to stay here, but it's kind of strange for them to take an interest after all this time. Though I did get a strong feeling that they don't think I'm well educated or qualified for too much. I kept getting the impression that they were hearing "BA from Wesleyan University" as "Associates Degree from Wesleyan Community College". And they don't seem to think much of community college - because folks are a touch elitist here. Anyway, I'm mulling that over now while Muppet is fussing at me to get my resume in gear and get it to her so I can start looking for something outside of this place. We'll see.

I'm mostly in a good mood right now. I'm still very upset about the election. I still feel sad that more people don't seem to agree with me on the state of our country and the need for Bush to be out of office. I still feel sad that eleven states are proud to say that people can be denied rights based on their sexuality. But, I'm starting to feel good about going out there and doing things about it. More things about it. And that makes me a little hopeful. Plus, I've been spending a lot of time with my friends who do agree with me and who do see things like I do, at least broadly speaking. And who also plan to continue to try to make changes. And all that is awesome. Plus I just like hanging out with my friends because they rock. And they help keep me happy. Even though one of them keeps telling me of these awesome guys she meets, offers to hand them off to me and then jumps them herself. So mean. Not happy making.

Dealing with it all

Yesterday was a bad day. I'm still very sad and shocked about Kerry's loss. In fact, Lovey even told her boss that I was "despondent" yesterday. He is as well, so he understood. We commiserated a little on the phone this morning and he said he was staying in Singapore for good now. Just joking though. We would never leave our country. I wouldn't. Much that I talk about moving with PimpDaddy to New Zealand now, I'm not abandoning the place I love so much to the right-wing zealots who are all about bullshit 'morality'. And it's not like I'm alone in my views. Yesterday Muppet and I went out for coffee/smoke breaks every hour or so to just kind of vent a little. There was & is a lot of discussion in the office over what this means for the country and the world and what we can do. Rock Star Fran and I had a lovely diner lunch where we pissed and moaned and tried to cheer each other up. And everyone kept asking me to do things last night because they were worried about my mental state and wanted to cheer me up. Which was sweet. Knowing I wasn't alone and all. Though, I am in the minority now, it seems. Which feels weird. Last night a friend commented that he was having a hard time grasping the idea that he disagrees with over half the country. That over half the country thinks in a totally different way from him. And it's hard to wrap your head around that. I totally agree. It's a strange thing. Because I just cannot comprehend what is going on in the mind of over half my countrymen.

But I think I'm starting to ease out of the shock and mourning phase and am trying to get into a place where I can start thinking about what to do to make things more like I think they should be.

Last night was really nice. Took my mind off things and I even started having a good day. I met Meat Boy for dinner at a noodle place in the Village. He's an old friend from high school that I don't see often enough. He lives in New York but we only get together a couple times a year it seems. Hopefully we can start changing that. He's a great guy and has a darling wife and we have a lot of fun.

Anyway, we had dinner and caught up on things and grabbed a beer at the Crow and talked and laughed for a few hours. It was a nice mix of conversation. I sometimes worry with older friends I don't see often that it might not work out. That we'll spend the whole time not being comfortable anymore or that we won't talk about anything but the good old days with a little bit of catching up tossed in. That it won't be a real conversation between friends. But this was a real conversation. We talked about the election. And luckily he was a Kerry supporter too. I don't think I could've handled a dinner of gloating or anything. We also talked about books and New York and Sims (apparently they can 'woo hoo' now - I don't know, I've never played) and watched a little Pulp Fiction at the bar. We talked some about high school and how stupid we were and probably still are. We caught up a little on old friends. And it was just a really nice night. I laughed a lot. Which I needed after moping all morning and afternoon. Though it did mean I got home after 11 and did not get that much needed early bedtime. So worth it.

And as an extra special bonus, working last night was one of the old bartenders from the time when I went to the Stoned Crow almost weekly. He's a fun one and I hadn't seen him in at least a couple of years. It seems like almost the entire staff has turned over and that makes me sad. Especially since the bartender/waiter I crushed on the most hasn't been around in forever. Not that we were really sure he was straight, but he was so pretty and I got hugs and all. I'm such a shallow, superficial girl. Anyway, it was nice to see that guy there. He's not exactly hard on the eyes either.

Bartenders must get so much play.

In other sad news, Kerry still hasn't win the election. And Beyonce has decided she no longer wants to participate in the reading program. Apparently she's older now and wants to hang with her friends on the playground at lunch rather than read with me. Which kind of breaks my heart a little. I loved doing math with her and reading and giggling. But I can understand. I think. They're going to get me someone else, hopefully starting next week. I hope they like me.

I don't understand

I was going to jokingly blame the Red Sox. Because I've been blaming them for everything I can lately. But that just seems kinda stupid right now. Really stupid right now. I'm just so drained and feel really beat down. And I don't understand my country. This makes no sense to me. I just cannot comprehend how so many people in this country can actually vote for such a right leaning administration. Such a slanted, twisted administration. How can they think Bush and Cheney are fit to lead us after what's happened these past four years? How can so many people still not get out and vote?

I'm afraid that four years from now I will have lost so many rights and freedoms in the name of my morality and my safety, when I feel I'm perfectly capable of looking after my morality and a good deal of my own safety. I'm afraid I won't be able to travel outside the US because everyone on the planet will hate me just for being an American. I'm afraid and beyond depressed thinking of more people who will die in a war that just isn't right or necessary or helpful to anything. I'm so disgusted that so many people in this country think it's okay to give rights to some people and not to others, based just on who they love. I guess racism isn't fashionable or legal but prejudice based on sexual orientation is an acceptable alternative.

I'm not making sense and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just scared and sad. And I don't know what I can do. I want to find ways to fight this administration constantly for the next four years. And I don't know where to start. And I don't know why more people don't seem to care. A few of mine friends are devastated. No one else seems affected. I don't know. I am not moving to Canada. I love my country. I will never leave it. But it seems like I'm just not able to fix it or change it or improve it. At least not right this minute. Not today. Not yesterday. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or four years from now. Someday.

I Voted

I voted today. I was up at 6:30AM and off to the PS29 before 7AM. And I was totally giddy about it. Beautiful fall day, saw lots of my neighbors walking to the polling place as well, passed by a "Vote Kerry" pumpkin on a stoop, saw a kid playing ball while waiting for his dad to vote. It made me excited and a little hopeful. Mostly I've been terrified about this election. I can't believe it's going to be so close, that there's a chance that Bush could win. And I get scared thinking about what four more years of Bush will do to this country, to me, to the world. I don't like it. But I went and did my part. I've tried to convince others to do theirs. And now I just kind of have to sit and wait.

What is the world going to think of us if we re-elect Bush? I saw some European high school aged kids chattering on the subway yesterday and one of them had an anti-Bush button on. A friend of my mother's in Germany said everyone she knows over there is just in awe that we could do the wrong thing and re-elect Bush. I just hope we don't do it. And I hope that it's not a big mess and a super close race that goes on for days. And weeks. And months.

Ugh. Now my hopeful giddiness has worn off.

Furry Dolphins

Happy Birthday Daddy! You're the best Dad ever and you rock.

I'm having a cinnamon raisin bagel while thinking of my grandfather. He often had cinnamon raisin toast in the morning with his milk and grapefruit. And I have that too. Minus the grapefruit. So, sitting here with cinnamon, raisin, bread and butter flavors reminds me of mornings at his kitchen table. And that makes me happy. I like memories of my grandfather.

This morning I was walking to work, walking past Fox's headquarters as I always do, when I saw a handful of people standing out there wearing dolphin costumes. Like full on mascot type costumes. That were furry. Because dolphins are furry? I don't know. They were furry. One even had a hunting jacket and orange head. They were holding signs for flipper cam and one of them had a "How's my Tan?" sign. Which really got me thinking. I mean, dammit, I DO NOT want to elect a man to the highest office in our country if he has a tan. How can you run a country if you have a tan? Obviously, you can't. I'm voting for Bush. Oh, wait. NO I'M NOT. And it's going to take more than a tool in a furry dolphin costume to convince me otherwise. People are not right.

I really need to find a new route. Furry dolphins today, last week there was some nonsense out there for Branson's Quest for the Best, one time they had a giant tub/vat/bowl of chili. Sometimes people in bikinis. And then there are the gawkers. And with the gawkers I have to swear and shove people out of my way just to get down the sidewalk. So when I run for office one day I'm sure Fox will pull out all the footage of me swearing and knocking down old people and children on my way to work. My life, it is hard. So hard. Furry fucking dolphins. Morons. I kind of wish the flip flopping nonsense would end. But I want Kerry to win, obviously, and if he does I suspect the flip flopping chatter will continue. Because people are stupid. But hopefully, enough people aren't stupid or are not too stupid and we'll have a Kerry outcome after Tuesday. Please.

This weekend was good, if a bit too trip down memory laney for my tastes. Friday night was Muffy's big birthday fun. Dinner and drinks in Brooklyn with lots of nice folks. Lovey was supposed to go with me, but she works with a lazy ass and got stuck at the office so late she won't tell me what time she left. But there was Mexican food and bocce ball and lots of beer. Oh and a small amount of beercheese. And the birthday girl had fun. I think. Even though my partner and I did trounce her and Steph at bocce ball. My first time ever playing too. I think I'm a natural. Though I suspect the game would quickly become boring to me if I played it without beer. Much like I only enjoy croquet with a stiff drink or two in hand. The last time I played croquet was at SABW's bridal shower. After the shower. We were drunk and it was raining and dark and I had a good time. I believe at the time I thought I was a natural at that too. I think I might've been wrong. And considering the fact that my partner later dumped me to play with another girl later... maybe I'm not a natural at bocce ball. How depressing.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent with little chores around the house and lots of time getting photos organized and up online. Going through all my reunion photos took forever with all the Ed's Shirt photos included. But they're up now. Woo. Well, all the ones that don't involve me looking gross. Soon I start on the Birthday Week photos. Over 90 of those. It makes me tired thinking about it. Don't think I'll get all those done tonight as I have to get to bed early tonight. So I can get up early tomorrow morning to go vote. The polls open at 6AM I think. I won't be there at 6AM, but I'll be there eventually. Voting. Because I have to vote. How can I not? You better vote too.

So, I was poking around Wesleyan's alumni website tonight to track down the spelling of some guy's name. I'm a little anal retentive about photo labeling and wanted to get this person's name right. I didn't find him because the site is a little wonky, but then I thought I'd log into my old email account and see if it still worked. And it does. And I had email in there dating back to June of 1996. As well as some old email messages I guess I saved or something, some from 1994 even.

It was so weird. Emails from friends I never knew I'd gotten, career center emails I'd never seen, some really cute Happy Birthday emails I never knew about. A bunch of stuff I wish I'd gotten. People remembered my birthday and I never knew. And old boyfriend emails. Those always get'cha. Oh god do they get you. Well, they got me. Hard. And there were lots of emails from Pumpkin about life at Davis. Flirty emails from old flirty friends who are now married and no longer flirty with me. Some emails regarding my time as President of Alpha Delt. Also a couple from the parents. Apparently my mother used to sign emails to me with a b. rather than Mom or Mother or something. Odd. Think folks would find it strange if I responded to emails that were 5 or 8 years old? Yeah?

It's been a week of nostalgia for me. Not sure why. Maybe being 30 and all, wondering about where my life has been and where I am and where I'm going. I think I'm just a little out of sorts because I hadn't saved the world by now like I always thought I would. I suppose there's still time, but I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore. Or maybe I just know better now. And you can never save the world when you know better.

I miss the old me. Not that the current me is bad or anything, but I miss the old me.

Happy Birthday, Muffy!

My Daddy is so cool. "Sorry about your Yankees, now maybe Boston Will go away for another 86 years or so." He understands what a small petty person I am. Mom's the nice one who thinks it's great that the Red Sox finally got to win one. Though she also lost interest in the post-season after the Yankees lost and she is more of a baseball fan. Eh, they're both adorable. Daddy even just bought me a new camera, that's how adorable he is. And how much of a spoiled princess I am.

I am soooo tired. Don't know how I'm going to stay awake through the big birthday fun tonight. I'll just have to drink a lot or something. They're having a post-earnings/Halloween thing here at work at 3:30. There will be beer, so I can start early. Lovey and I will be attending for sure. Good times. You wish you had my rock star life.

Steph's parents were in town this week so last night I met them and Muffy for dinner while Steph was in class like the bad son, but good student, that he is. They're lovely people so I get a kick out of hanging with them. And dinner was nice. A good conversational mix of baseball, families, card playing, politics (vote for Kerry), science and what exactly Rigatoni and Gnocchi are. Plus they brought me a gift from Joan - an awesome butt shot of Nomar that she took this summer. It's a great shot and a good photograph and quite a nice tushy. Even if he was in a Red Sox uniform at the time. You just gotta love people who will take, print, give and transport such a thing for you.

Then it was back to Steph & Muffy Manor for cake! Apparently Steph's Mum (they need names of their own) had a birthday on Monday and Muffy's is today so there were two cakes. I couldn't refuse two cakes. Right? So more chatting and wedding photograph viewing and discussions of genealogy and Vegas. What could be better.

Man, I need more coffee, I think I'm babbling.

Did something happen last night?

So. Last night. Lots of things happened last night.

Rock Star Fran had a show with her girl band at the Knitting Factory. In the bowls of the Knitting Factory actually, also known as Old Office. So, I went to that. Monkey Man from work was going with me but had to work until 7. So I stuck around earning my paycheck for a couple extra hours, grabbed dinner with him and then headed to the show. Another interesting girl from work was there, a bar was there and Fran's honey was performing as well so time-killing before the main event wasn't a problem. Actually, I don't think they were technically the main event of the night, but they were for me. And in my blog, it's all about me.

Fran rocked her little heart out like the rock star she is and I had a good time. She was even wearing a skirt and sassy fishnets and everything. Though she outed me as a perv to the whole audience. She was playing drums for one song and was using a sweatshirt as a 'privacy shield' so she wouldn't flash the audience. Then she told the audience that AMANDA would rather she just flash everyone. A comment which met with dead silence if I recall correctly. I pondered shouting a big ole "WOO" at that point but had only had one beer and thus enough sense to not do that. So, now you know. I'm a Kenny Loggins lovin', privacy shield hatin' perv. Who hates the Red Sox. Who?

After the show Monkey Man and I headed out so he could call and wish his mom a happy birthday (like the forgetful slacker he is) and I could go home to watch some thing that was on the TV, I don't remember what, but there was something I wanted to get home and watch, hmmmmm... I'd totally forgotten about the eclipse, but we walked out and there it was. Just a tiny sliver of the moon was yet to be covered. So we decided to stand in the street and gawk. It was cool. Though not as cool as the solar eclipse I saw in Hawaii in '91. But still good. Monkey Man got some dumb work call at that point so he did that and I stared at the moon, while standing in the street, leaning against construction piling. I know how to have a good time. Oh yes, oh yes I do.

Anyway, eventually he wrapped that up, the moon got covered and looked cool and we headed home. So I could turn on my TV. And watch the sadness. Ah, the sadness.

They looked so happy though. The unwashed, long-haired, scary little Red Sox players. And it is a huge thing. They won the World Series. For the first time in 86 years. By winning their last 8 post-season games in a row. And my Red Sox fan friends are delirious. And that's awesome. And I'm trying very hard to be happy for them. Through the phone calls, the emails, the gloating and the mocking. Because I know it's going to be another 86 years before they do it again. A person should only have to suffer one Red Sox World Series title in their lifetime. This was mine. I accept that. And I'm ready to move on to the next season.